Day 4.....Wednesday And THIS IS IT!!!!!!!!!!

Its Thurday morning here in Seoul and in just 4 short hours we will meet and pick up our daughter!!!!! We can't believe this day is finally here!!!! We ended up going to breakfast this morning to celebrate Joe's birthday. Then we plan on hanging out till about 12:30 when we'll take a cab to Holt for this life changing experience. The gifts are packed, the donations ready to go, the flowers ordered and being delivered and the nerves and tears have begun to flow.
We ask that you pray......for Yun-jeongs little heart to heal quickly and for her to somehow feel peace that its all going to be ok. For Jae-min...that he feels loved and cherished through this huge change, and that our foundation of attachment that we've worked soooo hard to build is only slightly shaken and not destroyed. For me......that I have the strength to help both of my children through what is to come, the patience to handle it all, and the grace to do it beautifully. For Joe....that he has the strength to keep us all together, and at the same time feel what he needs to feel. And for Papa....that he can handle all the bags, work the video camera Haha, and soak in this awe inspiring experience. Its go time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We'll see you soon as a family of 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!On Wedesday we ended up going to Namedeum Market, saw the changing of the guards, and ate lunch at Bulgogi Bros. Jae-min loved the drums and watching the procession....and he finally got to see a king!!!!!!

Papa and Jae-min enjoyed haddeouk outside at the market....yummy!!!!

This nice guard made Jae-min feel so comfy standing next to him as he kept whispering little things to him.

Heres the market. We arrived shortly before it opened so it wasn't too crowded. It was fun to browse around and really experiene this part of Korea.

After lucnch we ended up napping and during nap looked what appeared....ah the reality has set in!!

After nap we went to dinner at chicken and beer. Jae-min was restless, whiney, and just not happy so I decided to take him to the park where we happened upon a concert. We were enjoying the music when all of a sudden things turned and I think we were in some sort of demonstration!!!! Um yeah awkward!!!!

The guys finally found us and were laughing that we'd probably get arrested hahahah

After we met up we went for a walk, then to bed.

One more sleep till we meet sweet Yun-jeong!!!!

Day Three....Tuesday

We had our scheduled tour through Holt so this morning we ventured downstairs and met a very nice young woman named Seojong. She is a college student in the US and is home on summer break. She took us to 2 palaces and then we hit up Insadong again for a short time to buy 3 sets of traditional wedding ducks (one for us, and one for each of the kids to give them on their wedding day). We also picked up some artwork to hand in Yun-jeong's room.
The palaces weren't very busy and it was fun to wander around and explore. Papa asked lots of questions and we got a good history of the palace and the meanings behind lots of things. Jae-mn kept pearing in doors looking for the king!!!!
This bowl is filled with water and it was believed to keep the monsters away........so we had Jae-min give a little look inside and tell those monsters...."away with you" We all went for a traditional Korean lunch of bee bim bop, bulgogi, and dumplings. It was yummy and fun to hear our guide order and talk with the staff. When the food was brought to the table Jae-min exclaimed "wheres the chicken nuggets?" Ah, I guess we've Americanized him.
Jae-min was alittle shy with Seojong at first but quickly warmed up and then they were great friends. He told her all about his sister and instructed her which way to go by sharing her map. Yup, one more Korean smitten with Jae-min.

We had tried to get into this palace first, its the biggest palace in Korea. But on Tues its closed. It was beautiful outside anyway.

After lunch we said goodbye to our sweet new friend, and headed for a nap. We woke and went out for Bulgogi pizza and then back to the hotel for a little swim. And yes that boy can rock a swim cap (required for the use of the pool). I will spare you the picture of poor Joe with his swim cap on.....he has asked me not to share Hahahaha......but it was sure good for a laugh!!!!

And for those worried about Papa, he's doing well. Soaking it all in, trying new foods, being the gracious world traveler. So no worries......we're taking good care of him!!!

Today is Wednesday morning, the last day Yun-jeong gets to spend with her Omma. My heart is heavy today, I hope she soaks up all their love....enough to last her a lifetime. As her Omma kisses her tonight and puts her to bed for the last time, I will kiss my sweet son for the final time as a mommy of one. I will snuggle him and tell him just how much I love him. And I know Yun-jeong's Omma will do the same.

Day Two....Monday

We awoke this morning a little later than yesterday but still waaaay to early Haha, and decided to go to the Holt reception center to play with the babies housed there. Jae-min decided to get his groove on in the subway station store while we bought some apple juice!!! The guys decided they needed coffee so I decided to walk down the street because it looked very familiar. And sure enough as I held Jae-min's hand we happened upon Holt. It was closed today due to a holiday but we looked in the windows and I began explaining to Jae-min what this building means. And then it happened.....right there on the streets of Seoul this crazy American mommy was overcome with emotion as she held the hand of her little Korean son.

You see this building is where we are matched with our children. Where every t is crossed and i dotted to bring them home, where we meet them for the first time, and then say goodbye to their omma. Where dreams and heartbreak are all rolled into one. I stood on that sidewalk and was transformed back 2 years, looking at the exact spot where Jae-min's omma stroked my face and he became ours forever!!!!!

The enormity of it all hit me on this sidewalk, standing in front of a closed building, watching the little boy who once was so frightened holding my hand. I couldn't stop the tears.

And to think that in a few short days we'll be heading there again to meet our daughter and have those same experiences was almost too much to handle. I'm so thankful to have the quiet time to just reflect on all that was and all thats to come.....this one little building holds so so much of our family in its tiny walls.

After standing on the sidewalk, we found the reception center and got to play with the babies. It was so much fun, two babies stole our hearts. A little girl melted me and I vowed in that moment to come back when the kids are older to do some EI work as a dev specialist to help these babies out.
Next we headed to a palace where we strolled the grounds and enjoyed the weather.

It was beautiful, then off to lunch.

We took a nice long nap then Jae-min hit the playground again, had some dinner, played in the room and off to bed.

The enormity of whats to come has hit me...seeing Holt and the babies puts it front and center. And the emotions have begun to surface!!!!!

Day One....

We decided to go to Insadong on our first day here. We started on our adventure and true to the kind Korean people, a man stopped to help us find the subway. Well......many blocks later in the wrong direction, and a language barrier that wasn't being conquered Pappa decided to take out his phrase book and find the word subway. Oh, we had just walked BLOCKS in the wrong direction but this kind man turned around and led us all the way back. I just love the people of Korea. We made it to Insadong with the help of another stranger too....but we made it. We bought some gifts for Yun-jeong and strolled the streets and enjoyed the atmosphere. These pictures are taken in the park near our hotel.

We bought Yun-jeong a traditional name chop and Jae-min charmed the lady at the store....who made one for him free. Again, love the people of Korea.

We ended up going back to the hotel for an afternoon snooze and then went to dinner around our hotel. There is a beautiful park across the street with walking trails, basketball, games, and even a playground. Jae-min had a blast and it was fun to watch him enjoying these activities in Korea.

The people are so kind here. They are so welcoming of Jae-min....some even rubbing his arm,

smiling, and speaking Korean to him which he's repeating making them giddy with joy!!!! He's a big hit.

As I watch Jae-min in his birthplace I can't help but stop to think how very different his life could have been. These are the sights he would have seen, these are the people he would have met, and this is the land he would have called home. It makes me teary and proud that we could bring him back to experience it with us. Because seeing Korea through Jae-min's eyes is amazing. And thinking back to the time when we were here before with him is surreal. From a scared baby to a happy toddler who's taking this country by storm. And it gives up hope that in the tough months ahead with Yun-jeong it will get better....next time we come back we'll have two hits on our hands!!!!!

Good Morning Beautiful Seoul!!!!!!

This morning as I woke up waaaayyyy to early (Jae-min and I are suffering from some serious jetlag) I looked outside and realized I was HERE.....in Korea with both of my children!!!!!
The flights went well....Jae-min was an absolute TROOPER. He was up for the first 6 hours then we put on his new digger movie and he fell asleep and slept for 4 hours. He would have kept sleeping if they hadn't turned on the lights for more food. For the next 4 hours he just hung out, snuggled, and then we were landing in Seoul. Whala just like that Haha. And I didn't even have to use my stash of new activities that I spent weeks finding....one for every hour of the plane wasn't even necessary!!!!

We're all doing well, just the jetlag is hitting us. Jae-min woke at 3:30 and I laid on his makeshift bed with him and he finally fell back to sleep till 5:30. Not too bad. We're heading out now to do some sightseeing.
I honestly can't believe we're here.....and meet Jaelah in a matter of days!!!! As Jae-min and I laid on his bed this morning he said "what do you think Yun-jeong's doing today?" I don't know buddy....but soon all those questions will be answered.
And as the bell man brought up our bags he asked Jae-min how old he was. He responded "three, did you know my little sister is coming soon?" I think he REALLY gets the meaning of this trip. To be back in Korea really feels like coming "home".

Ready To Go!!!!

Tonight Jae-min took the last loop off the paper chain we made to count down the days till Korea....he will bring the last loop with us to give to Yun-jeong on Family Day.As you can see he was doing the "party dance"....thats the dance he's been doing to hurry Jaelah home.
So the bags are packed, the nerves are fluttering, and the disbelief is here. We have soooo many bags, but what can you do when your going halfway around the world for 10 days with 2 toddlers?
Jae-min has had a hard day....I know he's feeling the nervous energy and needed lots of reassurance today. He had trouble sleeping at nap and now at night. Please keep him in your prayers, that his adjustment goes ok and we don't do too much damage to him!!!!

So this is it.....I really don't know what I'm feeling right now. Nervous, excited, anxious, happy, worried, ok like I'm going to throw up Haha I guess I'm really feeling disbelief that after all the waiting here we are!!!!! On our way to KOREA.

We'll see you on the other side.

About The Grief....

Imagine the person you love most in the world suddenly disappears. How would you react? How would you grieve? Then another person begins to try to take the place of your loved one...during your grief this imposter tries to hug you, sing to you, and hold you close. How would you react? Would you be able to eat, sleep, let this complete stranger in? Or would you push them away? Would you cry and scream? Or would you completely shut down, hoping this imposter would go away?

Grief is a very powerful thing. But a necessary step to get to the other side, to let others in. As adoptive parents, the grief is the hardest part of the journy. Watching your child....who you longed for and dreamed about...greive is THE HARDEST thing you will ever do in your entire life!! And the guilt creeps in....the guilt that you are actually the cause of the greatest grief and hearbreak your child will ever have to endure. Logically you know that this phase is necessary for bonding and attachment to take place. Logically you know that your child (and you) has to walk through this to get to the other side. Illogically you don't want to do it!! You dread it with all of your being. You know what its going to be like and you honestly don't know if your strong enough to walk this journey with your child again. And you are scared, scared to be in the trenches of grief and feel so alone. Scared for all those feelings of fear to creep up again and watch your child reject you. Scared that you may not be able to do it!!

Will Jaelah be an outward griever? Will she scream, arch her back, sob the most haunting sobs you have ever heard, and maybe even throw up when she realizes her Omma is gone? Will she scream for hours and reject one of us completely at first? Or will she be an inward griever? Will she shut down and seem "fine" during the day? Will she grieve at night when the house is quiet and she has time to process everything that happened? Then will her grief come out?

Jae-min was a night time griever. He was "fine" on the outside throughout the day, but when night came and he began processing it all the screaming, crying, pulling away would begin. The look on his face when he realized it was us trying to comfort him is forever etched in my mind. He didn't want us, honestly at night I'm pretty sure he didn't even like us. We knew to hold him, soothe him, and help him through this time. We knew we had to prove ourselves to him. And we did.............eventually. We walked the hardest road we have ever walked in our lives. We thought at times we were drowning, and would never make it to the end,,,but we did.

The pain hasn't gone away, the memories have dimmed, but are not forgotten.

Which makes this time around alittle more scary. This time around we know exactly what grief looks like, how awful it will be, but on the other hand how necessary of a process it is. Jaelah has a bond/attachment to her foster family and will need to grieve their loss in order to bond/attach to us. She has no idea of the changes that are on their way. The guilt will creep in again, that we're doing this to our beloved baby girl. We know that it was never God's intention for Yun-jeong to live with her omma forever, but she doesn't know that. She is happy and secure and loved as we speak.....and then we will come and take her away from all of that...........and then the grief will begin.

When we're in the trenches of grief with our sweet Jaelah Yun-jeong we simply ask for encouraging words, a pat on the back, a smile or little pep talk from all of you. We realize if you have never been an adoptive parent it is difficult to understand the enormity of the grief our little ones go through.....and thats ok. But just try to remember the grief you would feel if these changes happened to you. If all you had ever known suddenly disappeared, how would you react?

We are prepared as best we can be for the grief to come. We know that we'll make it through, and when we think we can't do it anymore we'll find the strength somehow. On Friday as our plane takes off to bring us to our beautiful girl, I know our hearts will be heavy as well as bursting. I know there will be tears shed because we know what Yun-jeong is about to endure. And on the following Sunday as our plane leaves Seoul, more tears will fall from our eyes as her grief becomes clear in all that she is losing.....a country, a culture, a language, a family....her world. And as she says goodbye to her foster family, her grief will become our own. We will try to shoulder some of that grief for our daughter, because honestly no little person should ever have to feel that much pain. Adoption is full of hopes and fulfilled dreams, but it is also full of loss. And in that understanding comes a greater understanding of the grief.