This Boy......

This boy is a miracle by every sense of the word....he was born way too early, and way too small, yet has thrived and grown and blossomed.

This boy is a fighter.....from the moment he entered the world till now he has shown such persistence to excel in all he does.

This boy is a charmer.....from his doctors in Korea to his Omma to his forever family this boy has charmed the pants off of everyone he knows.

This boy is a son, a brother, a grandson, a great grandson, a nephew, a godson, and a friend.

This boy made me a mother, made us a family.

This boy was patient as we fumbled through it all (and still do), in hopes that we're getting it right by him......

Yesterday December 2nd marked 3 years since I saw this face....... I will NEVER forget those words on the other end of the phone "I have great news for you. You have a son!!!!" I will never forget sitting at my computer and opening an email and seeing that photo.....that adorable little mouth, and those sweet eyes, and that angelic expression on that sweet face....the face of my SON. It was instantaneous.....in that moment, in that first glimpse I knew I was looking at the boy who was always destined to be mine. It was indescribable the connection I felt. And now 3 years later as I look at that photo I am transferred back to that chilly day and know with all of my being that in one little photo, with one little glimpse I became a mother. It would be several months before I held my baby boy for the first time, but on that day December 2nd I was a mother who was looking at her son!!!
And just look at him now!!!! My love for him has grown immensely (if that's even possible) and each time I look at him I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am his mother. He may have been born half a world away, he may have had to wait until I could come for him, but it was all so so worth it. And now when he says to me "Mamma will you hold my hand?" when we're just chilling out watching tv my heart skips a beat......to know and see how love can travel halfway around the world astounds me. And to know and see how one little photo, how one little phone call could bring so much joy........makes me believe in MIRACLES....because that's what this boy truly is!!!!

The Others.....

I thought I'd update on the "others" to try to catch you all up on the happenings....So here goes...

Martin

This Sept Marty celebrated his 11th birthday. It was a very special occasion because if you remember last year (fall) our sweet Marty went into heart failure and was given 6mths to 1 year to live. And here he is, over a year later, still with his family!!!! Granted he's on meds 5 times a day...for a total of 7 meds daily....but....he's still the same Marty, loving life, enjoying the kids, and wanting to be involved in it all. Except for the collapsing episodes that happen to him when he overexerts himself or gets too excited, he's the same loyal, smart, sweet, loveable, best friend that he's always been. And until that changes we'll keep giving him those meds to keep him with us for as long as we can!!!!
Jae-min

This little (I mean big) guy has been through so much in the past months that it astounds me to think of how much he's grown and changed during this time. He amazes me every day. He's smart as a whip and loves to learn. He never forgets anything and will call you out on something if you say it you better mean it.

He started preschool in Sept 2 mornings a week and LOVES it...and the best part is they LOVE him. They call him Mr. Smiley and he's thriving there. I took alot of time picking out a small school with a loving staff and the pick was a PERFECT fit. I also did lots of preparing Jae-min this summer for the big change and he handled it like a champ....ok ok there were no tears from the 3 year old on the first day, but the mom....well she had some tears streaming down her face.
And this summer this big kid learned how to ride his bike like a BIG kid. Yup, you know this little preemie who came home with all those motor issues....well folks look at him now.....riding like the wind and never looking back!!! He's too funny on the bike because he gets too excited he's doing it and forgets to look ahead...you often see him looking back smiling. I've had lots of exercise this summer and fall chasing after this little man...and have loved every second of it.
The two together.......

Jae-min and Jaelah continue to develop a relationship every day. As we work on making Jaelah feel more and more comfortable I know the relationship will eventually blossom. She loves to do everything he does and will imitate him all the time. They fight like brother and sister and he really tries to reach out to her.....and little by little she's begun to take small steps to reach out to him. And if all else fails he'll just take her for a joy ride!!!!
The question

We know when adopting we'd be subjecting our family to many intrusive questions, but this question never really entered my mind but we've been getting it alot lately.....

Are they twins!!!!
What do you think???

Here Goes.....

First I would like to thank all those who have responded with such kind words and who are still here to read about our lives. A big thank you to those adoptive mommies who are here and cheering us on....your friendship and understanding mean more than you'll ever know. So as the title says.......HERE GOES

I'll start with an update on Jaelah. Ah, little Jaelah can only be described as one step forward and six steps back. She is a little girl with such anxiety, such behavior, such fear that sometimes it can drive you mad and other times it can make you cry....I've said before that we have seen countless professionals and this is what they thought

Could it be neurological (which we had an eeg to determine and results are inconclusive) Go figure

Could it be temperment, being spoiled for 16 mths, etc?

Could it be anxitey/anxious stuff? Yes, yes, yes

Could it be attachment? Yes, yes, yes

Her behaviors are out of control some times and her reactions to situations are so puzzling and not ok that it drives you crazy. We have slipped back to a pattern of fear, anxiety, did I say fear. She's having trouble going to unfamiliar and familiar places again and is now having trouble when others come to our home. She's begun to want to be held all the time again and feel anxious over things that would not make a typical kid anxious. She''s behaving in ways that puzzle you and ways that are downright scary at times. She can be fine one minute and screaming and thrashing the next. She has me so nervous all the time that I can not relax and enjoy. She's a kid who needs so much, yet all we do for her is never enough.

Honest alert......all this has made me feel inadequate, fearful for her and our future, and sometimes I struggle with doing it every second of every day. I am angry for how things went down in Korea...how her FM wouldn't share any info and how the handoff was so so traumatic. I'm angry that our agency won't believe this had anything to do with what we are now seeing. I'm angry at myself for feeling this way about a program that I love, one that made us a family. But I can't help but wonder what life would be like now if Jaelah had seen her FM accept us.

We know all about attachment and anxiety "stuff". We've read all the books and gosh have lived it for 5.5 months now. But all the things that we have been told to do are not working and that scares me. This little girl definately feels insecure, and fearful that we will all disappear as her other family did. And no matter what I do doesn't help her and I'm sad for that.....imagine feeling all these things for so long and never really seeing the steps you wish you could see.

And when others try to play it off by saying things like "she's just a girl", while that may be true, there are so so so so many other things at play here that its sort of like a knife in the heart for us. Because we know the severity of the issues we're facing....and we worry about them all the time.

We are still seeing our IAP, and EI, and her and I attend a playgroup at EI once a week. My head knows that I'm doing EVERYTHING possible for her, but my heart feels like a big time

failure!!!! Honestly how could you not????

And for those curious......Jaelah is sleeping in her own room, in her own crib, by herself, all night. Which is a huge step I know!!!!!! And believe me, after the trying days we are so so thankful for this blessing!!!

Where Have You Been????

I have heard this question a lot lately....where have you been?? Why haven't you updated the blog?? And to be honest I have started this post many times in the last few months and it just never felt right....it never felt genuine, it never felt honest and so I just decided to take a break for awhile to gather myself together and get my head on straight.

You see, I made a decision with myself that I would not sugar coat things that were happening at our house. I was tired of reading blogs that portrayed the first weeks/months home as picture perfect....rather than what they really are. I remember asking Joe why everytime someone asks him how its going he responds with "good, ok". And he said "because people don't REALLY want to know what's going on, they just want to hear everything is great and move on from there".

That got me thinking. I was getting comments about my negativity on the posts when we were newly home, the difficulties were really something people didn't want to hear. They were coming to this blog for cute pictures of two kiddos and funny stories. And I REFUSED to put that out there if that wasn't how it was. You see, I started this blog years ago to help me sort out my feelings during our adoption process. I love to write and it helps me to get my emotions down even when they are filled with negativity and hard times. And when I realized I was making others uncomfortable with my honesty I knew it was time for a break.

Over the last 4.5 months we have had some VERY difficult times. We have weathered storms which we never in a million years thought that we'd have to endure. We have seen COUNTLESS professionals for help who all have concluded they have never seen something like this before...not very reassuring let me tell you. We have cried more tears and felt so overwhelmed you could not imagine. Are some things better??? Sure...gosh if they were still that awful I think I'd seriously be in the funny farm by now. Do we still have a LONG way to go?? Sure....but we're trying....gosh are we trying.

The last 4.5 months have brought so many changes to this family....so much growth, so much insanity, so much frustration, and even so much joy. We are on a new path....a path we weren't really sure we'd ever be able to be on and if you told us long ago that we could do this we would never have believed you. I guess we are stronger that we ever thought.

So I am back from my needed break. But I will warn you that I still reserve the right for honesty....so if you are only here for the cute pictures, you may be sadly disappointed.

Hello Daddy.......Goodbye China!!!!!!

Over the weekend we decided we needed a change.....so we bit the bullet and went with our gut. Joe decided to put Jaelah to nap over the weekend. Initially she cried, but Joe stayed with her and she settled and fell asleep. She would tolerate his help but the minute she'd see me she'd begin the whining and flipping out. Then on Sunday a very dear relative invited us to her pool to work on our bonding....we decided to put Joe in the pool and the only way Jaelah could get in would be in his arms. AND SHE DID IT and had a ball. A positive step!!!

We decided to finally be done with this manipulation so Joe has begun to sleep in her room all night long. For the past 3 nights he's comforted her in the night and she's woken up to his face. Initially she was very hesitant in the morning, sort of scooting by him running out of the room. But today she let him pick her up and come to find mommy. And today when she sees me she just smiles and waves and actually went up to Joe with her arms up to be picked up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe it??? She seemed even happier to be letting Daddy in. And wow does she look different not soooo close to my face Hahaha. Don't get me wrong....we have a LONG way to go with her, but a very tiny step in the right direction needs to be celebrated!!!!

We have an appt with an attachment counselor next week recommended by our agency. Fingers crossed we keep seeing little positive steps.

Next up.....sleeping in the crib.

Goodbye China....

Before traveling to Korea to meet Jaelah we had spoken to our China agency about what our plans were with their adoption. At that time I kept dragging my feet and asked to get back to them sometime this summer to make a decision. Well after thinking long and hard we officially pulled our names off the waiting list as of yesterday. To think that we were logged in on 5/25/07, thinking we'd be waiting 18 months and now 4 years later not really being any closer is just heartbreaking. But I know that by the time a referral came in Jae-min and Jaelah would be in elementary school, and at that time I know I couldn't go through the type of adjustment we've been going through for the past 6 weeks. I know I'm just not strong enough to do it. And I also know that if I didn't make this decision now, I'd drag my feet and never make a decision. So it is with a HEAVY heart that our dream of a little girl from China joining our family is no more.

My heart breaks and I am sad that it turned out this way. I know for us this is the best decision, but I also know that there will always be a missing piece, a missing someone, in our family. It may seem weird to some that we mourn a loss, a loss of what could have been. But in our hearts Ava Rose was real.....and to let go of that dream is HARD. I know we just need time to adjust, to rethink our plan for our family. But in my heart their will always be a little something missing.....and a little piece of my heart will always be in China.

So.....farewell sweet China girl.............but in your dream you brought us to our two children from Korea.

Still Alive

Sorry to have left you all hanging after our last post about our plan. We're still here, breathing, and taking it one day at a time. There are some small glimmers of hope throughout the day....and then we sort of get pushed back in the pool and feel alittle like we're drowning again. Like last night when Jaelah woke at 12 and didn't fall back to sleep till 3:30 downstairs (as no matter what I did wouldn't help for 3 hours upstairs) She then was up at 6:30 fussing. And not to sound like a broken record but she still won't let Joe comfort her at night, so ah I've been up since midnight. We've begun really pushing Daddy on her and sometimes she's accepting, and sometimes she's not.


Let me break down our plan for you and let you know where we are....

!. Journal....I'm continuing our journal of food, sleep, tantrums etc and now Joe (the positive rested parent haha) has decided to keep track of little improvements we're seeing so we can look back and not feel like everything is SO bad.

2. Pediatrician....she's healthy and no he doesn't think the issues are food related....I'm still not convinced!!!! So that's where our journal comes in and I'm giving it to the end of the week and may put another call in. He also thinks she's manipulating me at night and wants us to let her cry it out....Gasp!!!! from all you adoptive moms out there!!!!! No we're NOT letting her do that as we know right now thats not where she is with our relationship.....but boy when she's been up for 3 hrs in the middle of the night it sure is tempting Haha

3. Social worker....she came this weekend...long story....and began the visit telling me that I needed to be available still 24/7 and not to push Joe on her...Um, fast forward to the middle of the visit insert lots of tears from me, lots of brutal honesty about how we're feeling about everything and tada her advice changed. She now thinks I need to take care of myself too, let Joe help even if she cries, but still be available 24/7.

This visit was filled with alot of honest conversation, which we will keep private. She says that this will be VERY difficult and that we need all the SUPPORT we can get to make it through. And its ok to not like her right now....as she's not acting very likeable. I know thats hard for some to hear, but thats how we feel.....and its ok.

4. EI....still waiting to have an eval scheduled but am requesting an OT to provide services for her.

5. Visit with IAP....this is where most of our answers/support came from. She spent HOURS with us talking about everything which we'll keep private at this time.

We have come to a conclusion with our IAP ......Jaelah never had a healthy attachment with her foster mother. She had an insecure/anxious attachment which is now spilling over to us. This makes total sense to us looking back to our meeting where she never looked at us, never prepared this little girl for this change, and never gave her blessing. So on top of ALL the work we need to do adopting a 16mth old.....now we also have ALL the work to do to repair this attachment and form a healthy one to us.

I think I'm struggling the most with all of this. Struggling to see the small positives, struggling with the guilt that we ripped this little girl from everything and she's having such a tough time, but most of all struggling with feelings like I'm not a good enough mom for her.....because sometimes no matter what I do its never enough.

She was described as a bottomless pit, never really getting filled up. And when your the one who's supposed to be able to fill your child up......and its not working it makes you feel like a really crappy mom!!!!

That's where we are. Joe looking at the positives (like that she's coming to him more, she's kissing the dog, she's sometimes playing with Jae-min, she's using 3 signs rather than whining some of the day, and she's quickly learning that her tantrums DO NOT work) And me feeling guilty, tired, and a little like the worlds worst mom. And its ok to feel these feelings...its just where both of us are.

A Plan....

What happens when a crazed, frazzled mamma reaches a breaking point....a point where she knows she's at the end of her rope and needs some help??? She makes a plan....and that's exactly what we have spent the week doing. We are at a point in this new little family where we have recognized we need some help and we need it now!!!!! Things were going alittle better with her and Joe and then all of a sudden last night he went to do something with her (don't even remember what it was) and she FREAKED out....to the point where she clung to me the rest of the night and woke at midnight...then at 3am screaming and never really going back to sleep. Every time she would see Joe she would start screaming again.....and today has been a clingy, whiney, no good day. I'm so at a loss on what to do with her to help her out.....I carry her, I meet all her needs quickly, I put her in the carrier and walk for miles and still its not enough......and I feel like a COMPLETE FAILURE. And I know people are tired of hearing it....but I'm worn out...beat down....you name it

So heres our plan...

1. We've been in constant contact with our pediatrician and I think some things may be food related. So we've eliminated milk, giving her soy, and started a very bland diet. We have an appt with them next week. Maybe grasping at straws, but gotta start somewhere.

2. We begged our international pediatrician to see us and have an appt next Tues.....thank God!!! I'm banking on this appt to give me some answers to some very important questions on how to handle all these difficulties...the tantrums, the lack of bonding with anyone else, the freaking out, all of it.

3. I called my work and will schedule an appt for a full eval with EI in the coming weeks. I get to hand pick the team (one of the perks to knowing all the players) so I'm thinking long and hard who I want to see this show Haha

4. We may finally have an appt with our social worker next week. Not sure....we're still really upset and disappointed on how they've handled us.

5. I started a journal where I'm tracking foods, tantrums, etc to see any patterns. I gotta feel like I'm doing something.

So that's the plan....and in the meantime the day to day plan is basically to make it through each and every minute ALIVE....nice plan right???? But thats where we're at.

And I pray every night as I lay awake that tomorrow will be a sunny day....because being outside is honestly the only way I'm making it....
Pool and water table fun
Painting on the driveway with outdoor paints
Or painting on your face and clothes is fun too!!!!
Please keep those prayers coming. This is the hardest thing I have ever endured in my entire life. Joe and I are usually such a team and this is brutal having to do it ALL on my own. My hope is that the advice we get is to just let her scream with him and she'll need to learn...because it doesn't appear like taking it slow is working.....and we know many say it will just take time...but really its been over 3 weeks now and Joe hasn't even held his daughter....now that's a problem!!!!