Christmas

Christmas 2011 was filled with laughter, chaos, smiles, excitement, wrapping paper EVERYWHERE, and one little boy who totally "got" the holiday and one little girl who went along with it all.

Santa left the desired Elmo and scooter....as well as a dollhouse and Cars pillow. Jae-min was ecstatic for his scooter and has been scooting around the house ever since. He even "scooted" to bed on Christmas night!!!!
Jae-min awoke first and did well laying in bed with us for alittle bit. Then it was fair game....lets go wake up Jaelah!!!! She was not to thrilled with the entourage coming into her room with cameras. Come on sister.....Santa Came!!!!
Jae-min couldn't wait to get his little feet on that scooter. And our "safety police" even was looking for his helmet. We explained he could use the helmet he already had. "oh, then here I go"
Jaelah loved this doll cradle we got for her. I think it was her favorite gift!!!
Jae-min got lots of Cars gifts and loves every one of them.
Jaelah got lots of fun stuff too and took the day in stride.
Then a magical thing happened. While we were making lunch it started to snow!!! The kids were so excited and got to try out their new shovels from Grammy and Papa. We had so much fun throwing snowballs and catching snowflakes.
The night ended with a brother and sister sharing the couch to watch Frosty the Snowman.
We had a great time celebrating with family. Thank you for all the gifts and the memories. Merry Christmas!!!

Okey "Dokey"!!!!!

Santa has sent many little elves to homes with youngin's this time of year and we are no exception. Our special little friend began his "job" last year and has returned this year to make sure all is well during this holiday season. Meet little Dokey......Ah yes....Dokey....the magical elf. Well things started out on a great foot this season. Dokey decided to come for his first visit the weekend before Thanksgiving. He came with a note stating that he would stay till after Thanksgiving and then take the kiddos wish list back to Santa....oh and he even brought the kiddos a new movie...Wow!!!

So the kids made their lists and cut out a picture of a scooter (for Jae-min) and Elmo (for Jaelah) and off Dokey flew.
All was well until last week when our little 3 year old (Jae-min) had to ask "where's Dokey?" Hmm, come to think of it we hadn't seen him. I "covered" for Dokey and said maybe he's waiting for us to decorate....still no Dokey. Maybe he's waiting for us to put up our stockings...still no Dokey. Ok Dokey where are you????

Finally finally he arrived with huge cheers from one little boy and a sister who had no idea why she was doing a dance in the kitchen but whatever, if big bro's doing it so will I!!!

But Dokey was looking a little "funny" this year. This first place he perched himself he actually fell over onto his side. When I went to see what was the matter Jae-min shouted "stop! (insert wagging finger at me) You can't touch Dokey or he'll lose all his magical powers". So laying down he stayed.

And then last night after I put the kids to bed I heard one of their toys going off....sure enough Dokey had left his perch high on the curtain rod and fallen into the toy on his way to see Santa causing the toy to sing...LOUDLY. To which a certain 3 year yelled "what was that" Nothing dear just go back to sleep.

So today Dokey and I had a little chat about sleeping on the job, about being more careful, and about being alittle more responsible. I'm pretty sure we have the most irresponsible elf Santa has....a little secret...I've even seen Dokey running into a different spot after the kids wake in the morning because he forgot to leave and see Santa (wink wink) Come on little elf. Show some respect!!!!

This Boy......

This boy is a miracle by every sense of the word....he was born way too early, and way too small, yet has thrived and grown and blossomed.

This boy is a fighter.....from the moment he entered the world till now he has shown such persistence to excel in all he does.

This boy is a charmer.....from his doctors in Korea to his Omma to his forever family this boy has charmed the pants off of everyone he knows.

This boy is a son, a brother, a grandson, a great grandson, a nephew, a godson, and a friend.

This boy made me a mother, made us a family.

This boy was patient as we fumbled through it all (and still do), in hopes that we're getting it right by him......

Yesterday December 2nd marked 3 years since I saw this face....... I will NEVER forget those words on the other end of the phone "I have great news for you. You have a son!!!!" I will never forget sitting at my computer and opening an email and seeing that photo.....that adorable little mouth, and those sweet eyes, and that angelic expression on that sweet face....the face of my SON. It was instantaneous.....in that moment, in that first glimpse I knew I was looking at the boy who was always destined to be mine. It was indescribable the connection I felt. And now 3 years later as I look at that photo I am transferred back to that chilly day and know with all of my being that in one little photo, with one little glimpse I became a mother. It would be several months before I held my baby boy for the first time, but on that day December 2nd I was a mother who was looking at her son!!!
And just look at him now!!!! My love for him has grown immensely (if that's even possible) and each time I look at him I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am his mother. He may have been born half a world away, he may have had to wait until I could come for him, but it was all so so worth it. And now when he says to me "Mamma will you hold my hand?" when we're just chilling out watching tv my heart skips a beat......to know and see how love can travel halfway around the world astounds me. And to know and see how one little photo, how one little phone call could bring so much joy........makes me believe in MIRACLES....because that's what this boy truly is!!!!

The Others.....

I thought I'd update on the "others" to try to catch you all up on the happenings....So here goes...

Martin

This Sept Marty celebrated his 11th birthday. It was a very special occasion because if you remember last year (fall) our sweet Marty went into heart failure and was given 6mths to 1 year to live. And here he is, over a year later, still with his family!!!! Granted he's on meds 5 times a day...for a total of 7 meds daily....but....he's still the same Marty, loving life, enjoying the kids, and wanting to be involved in it all. Except for the collapsing episodes that happen to him when he overexerts himself or gets too excited, he's the same loyal, smart, sweet, loveable, best friend that he's always been. And until that changes we'll keep giving him those meds to keep him with us for as long as we can!!!!
Jae-min

This little (I mean big) guy has been through so much in the past months that it astounds me to think of how much he's grown and changed during this time. He amazes me every day. He's smart as a whip and loves to learn. He never forgets anything and will call you out on something if you say it you better mean it.

He started preschool in Sept 2 mornings a week and LOVES it...and the best part is they LOVE him. They call him Mr. Smiley and he's thriving there. I took alot of time picking out a small school with a loving staff and the pick was a PERFECT fit. I also did lots of preparing Jae-min this summer for the big change and he handled it like a champ....ok ok there were no tears from the 3 year old on the first day, but the mom....well she had some tears streaming down her face.
And this summer this big kid learned how to ride his bike like a BIG kid. Yup, you know this little preemie who came home with all those motor issues....well folks look at him now.....riding like the wind and never looking back!!! He's too funny on the bike because he gets too excited he's doing it and forgets to look ahead...you often see him looking back smiling. I've had lots of exercise this summer and fall chasing after this little man...and have loved every second of it.
The two together.......

Jae-min and Jaelah continue to develop a relationship every day. As we work on making Jaelah feel more and more comfortable I know the relationship will eventually blossom. She loves to do everything he does and will imitate him all the time. They fight like brother and sister and he really tries to reach out to her.....and little by little she's begun to take small steps to reach out to him. And if all else fails he'll just take her for a joy ride!!!!
The question

We know when adopting we'd be subjecting our family to many intrusive questions, but this question never really entered my mind but we've been getting it alot lately.....

Are they twins!!!!
What do you think???

Here Goes.....

First I would like to thank all those who have responded with such kind words and who are still here to read about our lives. A big thank you to those adoptive mommies who are here and cheering us on....your friendship and understanding mean more than you'll ever know. So as the title says.......HERE GOES

I'll start with an update on Jaelah. Ah, little Jaelah can only be described as one step forward and six steps back. She is a little girl with such anxiety, such behavior, such fear that sometimes it can drive you mad and other times it can make you cry....I've said before that we have seen countless professionals and this is what they thought

Could it be neurological (which we had an eeg to determine and results are inconclusive) Go figure

Could it be temperment, being spoiled for 16 mths, etc?

Could it be anxitey/anxious stuff? Yes, yes, yes

Could it be attachment? Yes, yes, yes

Her behaviors are out of control some times and her reactions to situations are so puzzling and not ok that it drives you crazy. We have slipped back to a pattern of fear, anxiety, did I say fear. She's having trouble going to unfamiliar and familiar places again and is now having trouble when others come to our home. She's begun to want to be held all the time again and feel anxious over things that would not make a typical kid anxious. She''s behaving in ways that puzzle you and ways that are downright scary at times. She can be fine one minute and screaming and thrashing the next. She has me so nervous all the time that I can not relax and enjoy. She's a kid who needs so much, yet all we do for her is never enough.

Honest alert......all this has made me feel inadequate, fearful for her and our future, and sometimes I struggle with doing it every second of every day. I am angry for how things went down in Korea...how her FM wouldn't share any info and how the handoff was so so traumatic. I'm angry that our agency won't believe this had anything to do with what we are now seeing. I'm angry at myself for feeling this way about a program that I love, one that made us a family. But I can't help but wonder what life would be like now if Jaelah had seen her FM accept us.

We know all about attachment and anxiety "stuff". We've read all the books and gosh have lived it for 5.5 months now. But all the things that we have been told to do are not working and that scares me. This little girl definately feels insecure, and fearful that we will all disappear as her other family did. And no matter what I do doesn't help her and I'm sad for that.....imagine feeling all these things for so long and never really seeing the steps you wish you could see.

And when others try to play it off by saying things like "she's just a girl", while that may be true, there are so so so so many other things at play here that its sort of like a knife in the heart for us. Because we know the severity of the issues we're facing....and we worry about them all the time.

We are still seeing our IAP, and EI, and her and I attend a playgroup at EI once a week. My head knows that I'm doing EVERYTHING possible for her, but my heart feels like a big time

failure!!!! Honestly how could you not????

And for those curious......Jaelah is sleeping in her own room, in her own crib, by herself, all night. Which is a huge step I know!!!!!! And believe me, after the trying days we are so so thankful for this blessing!!!

Where Have You Been????

I have heard this question a lot lately....where have you been?? Why haven't you updated the blog?? And to be honest I have started this post many times in the last few months and it just never felt right....it never felt genuine, it never felt honest and so I just decided to take a break for awhile to gather myself together and get my head on straight.

You see, I made a decision with myself that I would not sugar coat things that were happening at our house. I was tired of reading blogs that portrayed the first weeks/months home as picture perfect....rather than what they really are. I remember asking Joe why everytime someone asks him how its going he responds with "good, ok". And he said "because people don't REALLY want to know what's going on, they just want to hear everything is great and move on from there".

That got me thinking. I was getting comments about my negativity on the posts when we were newly home, the difficulties were really something people didn't want to hear. They were coming to this blog for cute pictures of two kiddos and funny stories. And I REFUSED to put that out there if that wasn't how it was. You see, I started this blog years ago to help me sort out my feelings during our adoption process. I love to write and it helps me to get my emotions down even when they are filled with negativity and hard times. And when I realized I was making others uncomfortable with my honesty I knew it was time for a break.

Over the last 4.5 months we have had some VERY difficult times. We have weathered storms which we never in a million years thought that we'd have to endure. We have seen COUNTLESS professionals for help who all have concluded they have never seen something like this before...not very reassuring let me tell you. We have cried more tears and felt so overwhelmed you could not imagine. Are some things better??? Sure...gosh if they were still that awful I think I'd seriously be in the funny farm by now. Do we still have a LONG way to go?? Sure....but we're trying....gosh are we trying.

The last 4.5 months have brought so many changes to this family....so much growth, so much insanity, so much frustration, and even so much joy. We are on a new path....a path we weren't really sure we'd ever be able to be on and if you told us long ago that we could do this we would never have believed you. I guess we are stronger that we ever thought.

So I am back from my needed break. But I will warn you that I still reserve the right for honesty....so if you are only here for the cute pictures, you may be sadly disappointed.

Hello Daddy.......Goodbye China!!!!!!

Over the weekend we decided we needed a change.....so we bit the bullet and went with our gut. Joe decided to put Jaelah to nap over the weekend. Initially she cried, but Joe stayed with her and she settled and fell asleep. She would tolerate his help but the minute she'd see me she'd begin the whining and flipping out. Then on Sunday a very dear relative invited us to her pool to work on our bonding....we decided to put Joe in the pool and the only way Jaelah could get in would be in his arms. AND SHE DID IT and had a ball. A positive step!!!

We decided to finally be done with this manipulation so Joe has begun to sleep in her room all night long. For the past 3 nights he's comforted her in the night and she's woken up to his face. Initially she was very hesitant in the morning, sort of scooting by him running out of the room. But today she let him pick her up and come to find mommy. And today when she sees me she just smiles and waves and actually went up to Joe with her arms up to be picked up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe it??? She seemed even happier to be letting Daddy in. And wow does she look different not soooo close to my face Hahaha. Don't get me wrong....we have a LONG way to go with her, but a very tiny step in the right direction needs to be celebrated!!!!

We have an appt with an attachment counselor next week recommended by our agency. Fingers crossed we keep seeing little positive steps.

Next up.....sleeping in the crib.

Goodbye China....

Before traveling to Korea to meet Jaelah we had spoken to our China agency about what our plans were with their adoption. At that time I kept dragging my feet and asked to get back to them sometime this summer to make a decision. Well after thinking long and hard we officially pulled our names off the waiting list as of yesterday. To think that we were logged in on 5/25/07, thinking we'd be waiting 18 months and now 4 years later not really being any closer is just heartbreaking. But I know that by the time a referral came in Jae-min and Jaelah would be in elementary school, and at that time I know I couldn't go through the type of adjustment we've been going through for the past 6 weeks. I know I'm just not strong enough to do it. And I also know that if I didn't make this decision now, I'd drag my feet and never make a decision. So it is with a HEAVY heart that our dream of a little girl from China joining our family is no more.

My heart breaks and I am sad that it turned out this way. I know for us this is the best decision, but I also know that there will always be a missing piece, a missing someone, in our family. It may seem weird to some that we mourn a loss, a loss of what could have been. But in our hearts Ava Rose was real.....and to let go of that dream is HARD. I know we just need time to adjust, to rethink our plan for our family. But in my heart their will always be a little something missing.....and a little piece of my heart will always be in China.

So.....farewell sweet China girl.............but in your dream you brought us to our two children from Korea.