The 4th!!!

We enjoyed celebrating the 4th this year with some fun activities.....but first we had to show our spirit with some cool 4th of July outfits!!!

Next we headed out (in the misty rain) to our town's annual parade.  Jaelah and I had missed it last year as she was so newly home that we thought it would be too overwhelming.  But this year they both were rock stars...dancing, chasing down candy, and holding their umbrellas to ward off the rain drops.

Next we attended a small cookout where these 2 had a chance to play with their cousins...and play they did!!!  The rain finally stopped so I requested a patriotic photo shoot outside....

We lit off some sparklers early in the night....Jae-min was alittle hesitant, and Jaelah was so fearless that she almost lit her hair on fire...Just kidding (well not really)  Haha

And we ended the night with some belly shots.  Ok...do you see the pure joy on their faces when I told them they could do some belly shots.  Crazy I tell ya!!!!  These 2 are crazy!!!!

So fun to celebrate this holiday with these 2.  Happy 4th!!!

Party Time....Dino Style!!!!

This weekend we celebrated Jae-min's birthday with a fun "prehistoric" party....and we all had a blast!!!

The birthday boy waiting for his guests to arrive....

Here is his special T-rex hat that he was soooo excited to wear (and had been wearing for days and even around the store before we bought it) and scare everyone by saying ROAR!!!  Well that is until everyone arrived and then he wanted nothing to do with that plan  Haha

First we had a dino bone dig.  We put sand in these little buckets and buried "bones" (which I had made).  Give the kiddos some plastic spoons and little brushes and presto....you've got some dino diggers on your hands!!!!

In the sandbox we had hid some giant eggs with goodies stashed inside.  We told these little safari explorers that a dino had visited, pulled off the cover, and surprise....big huge eggs!!!!

Next up was the dino egg hunt.  Let the hunting begin!!!!  We also had a T-rex pinata, which was very prehistoric as the silly thing wouldn't bust open no matter how hard these tiny tikes tried.

Then this little paleontologist was excited to open up some PRESENTS!!!!!!

Whoo hoo cake time!!!!  I love this picture....all those little adorable Korean faces just waiting for some yummy cake.  Could you not just eat them up?????

And Jae-min ended the night with this ginormous piece of watermelon...Yummo!!

We had a fantastic time with family and friends.  Happy Birthday little man!!!!

Guess Who's 4.....

Four years ago today a woman halfway around the world faced one of the scariest days of her life.  Her water unexpectantly broke WAY to early.  And she gave birth to a very tiny baby boy whom she named Jae-min.  She then made the unselfish, heartbreaking decision to relinquish this beautiful baby boy to another family...a family who had been waiting for a baby.

I can't help but think of her today and the emotions she experienced on that day four years ago.  Did she hold this sweet baby?  Did she put her hand inside his tiny incubator and touch his delicate skin?  Did she tell him just how much she loved him, but needed to let him go?  Did she pray that he would have a good life and that he would be loved beyond measure?  Did she kiss his sweet cheeks and whisper in his ear?

On his day of birth I think of her so often and wonder if she is thinking of him too today.  I wonder if somehow she knows what a kind, funny, sweet, loving boy she gave birth to and how much he is loved and cherished.  I always say that if I had a genie and he gave me a wish it would be to meet both of my children's birth mothers.  To sit in a room and look into the face of the woman who gave birth to my two amazing gifts would be an honor.  To hear their stories and see their souls and share their tears would humble me.

This weekend will be a time of celebration in our family.  A time to celebrate 4 years of life of this amazing little boy....

But today is a day of reflection....to remember the woman whose sadness gave me happiness....because through her sorrow she made me a mother.
Tonight as Jae-min was taking a bath I commented that he used to be my little tiny baby.  And his response was "I'll always be your baby mamma"  Melt. my. heart.
And when I tucked him in tonight he said "guess how much I love you"  "to the moon and back, and to Korea to"..

Jaelah's First Family Day

Exactly one year ago today this little family stood in a hotel room for the very last time just the three of us...

I remember that day so vividly....the nerves, the excitement, the fear was all so present.  I remember having breakfast in the hotel to celebrate Joe's birthday.  Then Jae-min burned off some energy outdoors while I made my way back to the room to get together our gifts and donations.  And soon it was time to go to Holt to meet Yun-jeong.
I remember the meeting didn't go well and we really formed no connection at that meeting.  I remember her Omma not wanting to let her go, and in turn not encouraging her to interact with us.  I remember my nerves escalating during this time thinking how are we going to do this????  No information was given to us about her and Yun-jeong basically was not fond of any of us.  I remember walking out of the building still having not interacted with this little girl at all.  I remember being sort of shoved into the cab and then our social worker basically ripping this little toddler out of the only woman's arms she had ever known, handing her to Joe, and closing the door.  And then I remember the SCREAM.......

 It was the most haunting sound I have ever heard.  I remember her flailing and fighting us and Joe handing her to me.  I was able (miraculously) to calm her down and she fell asleep.

I vaguely remember walking back into the hotel with this sleeping stranger and laying with her on my chest as she slept.  And then she awoke, looked at me, and was fine.  She wanted ME from that moment on and for the next months and months I was all she wanted.  She formed an "anxious attachment" to me for months and honestly about killed me.
Those days, months, were hard.  Harder than anything I have ever endured in my entire life!!!!  She never openly grieved her life before us....which has made her transition to our family very hard.  I will not sugar coat this first year.  It has been so emotionally draining for all of us.  We have sought out alot of help to make Jaelah feel more comfortable and confident.  Some has been helpful....and some has been not.
I have given so much sweat, energy, tears, time, and love into this little being and there are still some days where I feel like we're right back to where we started from.
We do see more of this......

But do still have more work to do.  This year has tested me in more ways than one.  Jaelah has a very strong personality and when she's unhappy she lets you know it!!!  I know there's still a small part of herself that she is keeping guarded and that saddens me beyond measure.  She does let me see ALL of her....the good, the bad, and the ugly.  But to others she still is not confident to show all of those sides.
My hope for the coming year would be that Jaelah realize this is her forever family....and to just let go.  To let go of all those walls that she is holding onto and to let us in completely.
We've come a long long way.  Happy 1st family day little one!!!!!

And We Were Off....

It was exactly 1 year ago today that we boarded this big blue plane.....

For our second trip of a lifetime!!!!
Ok, ok, maybe we did have a few too many bags.....Haha

You think this guy was excited or what????  And this was early in the morning in the car on the way to pick up Papa.  The excitement only escalated from here if you can believe that.....

We had some snacks, some meals, some games, some movies, some walks, some meltdowns (oh, we were talking about Jae-min weren't we?), and even some of this.....

And before we knew it......about 24 hours total after we began we were there!!!!!
In the "land of the morning calm".....Seoul South Korea.  With nerves, excitement, anticipation, and butterflies in our bellies we landed in the land of our second home.  And very very soon we would meet our daughter!!!

Last Days and Missing Marty.....

On Thursday, Jae-min had his last day of preschool for the year.  It wasn't as emotional for this mom as I know next year will be because he'll be going back there in September....but it was still a bit surreal.  Jae-min left excited to be giving these flowers to all the teachers, and when I got him out of the car he grabbed hold of one of the packages and presented it to his "favorite" teacher with a huge smile!!!!

He's had a  wonderful year here and I'm so thankful that his first experience with school was so positive.  I was able to go and watch a magic show with him for the last day and watching him with his friends and marching in line is just so great.  He did so super well there and I am so happy with our choice.  But.....how did it happen that he's looks so much more grown up now????
This is him on the last day......

This was him on the first day.....
What I love most is that after months and months of school, he's still smiling!!!!

And this was him on the first day holding hands with the teacher walking into school.  Be still my heart...look how tiny he was and I remember feeling so nervous for him....ok ok and I maybe even shed some tears  Haha.

Just wanted to update you all on our family and missing Marty.  Jae-min has spoken about Marty every day (at least multiple times a day) since his passing.  Some of the questions are hard, and sometimes he'll just randomly say he misses him.  Last night it sort of came to a head.  He was being fresh so I spoke to him sternly and he lost it....I mean tears, sobbing, pretty much hysterics.  I know he's been missing Marty alot and I also know that he's a thinker, so has been thinking about things lots.  Poor guy was up till 2am last night crying, sobbing, and refusing to sleep because thats when he told us he dreams about Marty.
My mommy heart was pretty much ripped in two.  And there is nothing in this world that I can do for my boy but to hold him, to listen, and to tell him over and over about Marty's angel wings and heaven.  And to pray that Martin is watching us and will maybe cover this little boy's heart with peace.  Boy, this is really really hard.

Goodbye Dear Friend.....

Yesterday our sweet Martin lost his battle with his heart and passed away on our kitchen floor.  We had taken him to the vet on Thursday for a procedure to help drain the fluid around his heart.  He came home and was perky and excited.  Yesterday morning he was doing great and then at lunch time he went on the porch and when he came back in he collapsed.  He took his last breath as I sat with him and whispered in his ear that it was going to be ok.  It happened so so fast and for his sake I am truly grateful.  I know he passed exactly how and where he wanted....at home surrounded by the sounds and people he loved.  Selfishly it's hard to look at that place on the floor, to remember his last breath, and to feel the weight of his lifeless body as I carried him to the car.  The memories will haunt me for some time.

Marty was not "just a dog".  I used to joke that he was a human in a dog's body.  From the first moment I saw him I knew he would be my best friend....and he took on that role perfectly.  He was my shadow, following me EVERYWHERE.  I used to tell him that there was only one way in and out of the bathroom and he really didn't need to join me everytime....but he did.

He was my rock, my comforter, and always knew when I needed some snuggles.  That's what has made this so so hard.  You see any time I was upset he was always there.  And now he's here no more.

He listened to every tear shed, every squeal of excitement, every heartbreak I faced on my way to parenthood.....twice.  And he welcomed two babies into our home with open arms.  He rose to the role of "big brother" with style and loved those babies beyond words.  He accepted them right away, kissing them, and sleeping with me on their floors each and every night initially.  He loved stealing snacks and kisses and in return enjoyed marching in their parades, letting them put stickers on him,

 And letting us dress him in their pj's.  That's the kind of dog he was.

My sweet sweet Martin.  I never understood before you how people could love a DOG so so much.....but now I see.  You have been the best companion, the best cheerleader, the best cheerer upper, and the best snuggler I could have asked for.  You know all of my secrets and never judged.  You were always behind me, in front of me, or beside me each second of every day.  Your absence has left a huge hole in my heart, in my life, and in our home.

I have been expecting him at every turn, hearing him, and smelling him.  My head knew this day was inevitable with his condition, but my heart didn't want to believe it......and it still doesn't.  How do you really say goodbye to your best friend??

We have all been having a hard time.....Jae-min and I the hardest.  Jae-min is asking when he can come home from heaven and how do we get there to visit him.  Heartbreaking to answer these questions about your 3 yr olds best bud.  We've explained that Martin's heart couldn't beat any longer and he turned into an angel and flew up to heaven where he'll watch over us.  We let  a balloon go into the sky last night with a goody attached as Jae-min thought Marty might be hungry.
I would give anything to take this pain away......to have just one more day with our sweet Martin.  To look into his deep brown eyes, to feel his cold nose, and to hear the pitter patter of his little feet just one more time.  To run my fingers through his soft sweet curls and to tell him how very very much he was loved.
We love you our sweet Marty.....to the moon and back!!!!!!