Little Mista......1 and 2

For Easter Jae-min had gotten a butterfly habitat with a coupon voucher for free caterpillars.  After encountering a few glitches in the "free" portion of the voucher, our caterpillars arrived FINALLY.  Jae-min was so excited to take the container out of the box and count the caterpillars.  You see there were supposed to be at least 3 LIVE little buggers squirming around....but in true crazy mommy world nonsense.....only one little bugger had survived the mailing!!!  Oh dear, what to do???

Jae-min was beside himself and watched that lonely little caterpillar eat and eat and eat.  All the while this mamma prayed and prayed and prayed that this one little guy would make it!!!!  Come on hungry little caterpillar, its all resting on you.....

And after a few close calls...(one dropped container, oops).....and a caterpillar who for a few short hours appeared to be stuffed....he FINALLY  went into a cocoon!!!!  I continued to pray and pray that this little guy would make his transformation and not disappoint.  We had gone out for the morning and when we returned this is what we found........

 A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!!!!  I could finally let out my mommy breath...we had done it.  How cool to watch the entire transformation...whoo hoo!!!  Now it was time to name this little new friend.  And because we have a fish named "Little Fella" Jae-min decided to name the butterfliy "Little Mista"  So we (oh I mean I) cared for this little butterfly for several weeks.  And then it was time to let Little Mista fly free.  Jae-min had a hard time saying goodbye to his friend, but has seen him visit us in the yard to check in and show us that he's ok.  Phew....with only 1 caterpillar we had success!!!!
You're probably wondering where little Mista 2 comes into play right????  Well this spring we had been playing outside when I noticed a butterfly in the grass with a broken wing.  We decided to use the habitat and nurse him back to health.  And for a very short time he became a part of our family......

And because he had a broken wing he couldn't fly away...meaning Jae-min could hold him.  Strange as it sounds that little butterfly loved Jae-min and would stay on his arm and crawl around while Jae-min watched tv or just hung out.  Jae-min was sad to say goodbye to him as well.
Gosh, we truly are the home for wildlife around here.  This little boy truly has a heart for animals and animals respond amazingly to him.
And truth be told.....we even have a little friendly squirrel who visits often.....which Jae-min has named squiggy.  So if your ever in the mood for a wildlife sighting, come on over.  Chances are we're befriending it!!!

The 4th!!!

We enjoyed celebrating the 4th this year with some fun activities.....but first we had to show our spirit with some cool 4th of July outfits!!!

Next we headed out (in the misty rain) to our town's annual parade.  Jaelah and I had missed it last year as she was so newly home that we thought it would be too overwhelming.  But this year they both were rock stars...dancing, chasing down candy, and holding their umbrellas to ward off the rain drops.

Next we attended a small cookout where these 2 had a chance to play with their cousins...and play they did!!!  The rain finally stopped so I requested a patriotic photo shoot outside....

We lit off some sparklers early in the night....Jae-min was alittle hesitant, and Jaelah was so fearless that she almost lit her hair on fire...Just kidding (well not really)  Haha

And we ended the night with some belly shots.  Ok...do you see the pure joy on their faces when I told them they could do some belly shots.  Crazy I tell ya!!!!  These 2 are crazy!!!!

So fun to celebrate this holiday with these 2.  Happy 4th!!!

Party Time....Dino Style!!!!

This weekend we celebrated Jae-min's birthday with a fun "prehistoric" party....and we all had a blast!!!

The birthday boy waiting for his guests to arrive....

Here is his special T-rex hat that he was soooo excited to wear (and had been wearing for days and even around the store before we bought it) and scare everyone by saying ROAR!!!  Well that is until everyone arrived and then he wanted nothing to do with that plan  Haha

First we had a dino bone dig.  We put sand in these little buckets and buried "bones" (which I had made).  Give the kiddos some plastic spoons and little brushes and presto....you've got some dino diggers on your hands!!!!

In the sandbox we had hid some giant eggs with goodies stashed inside.  We told these little safari explorers that a dino had visited, pulled off the cover, and surprise....big huge eggs!!!!

Next up was the dino egg hunt.  Let the hunting begin!!!!  We also had a T-rex pinata, which was very prehistoric as the silly thing wouldn't bust open no matter how hard these tiny tikes tried.

Then this little paleontologist was excited to open up some PRESENTS!!!!!!

Whoo hoo cake time!!!!  I love this picture....all those little adorable Korean faces just waiting for some yummy cake.  Could you not just eat them up?????

And Jae-min ended the night with this ginormous piece of watermelon...Yummo!!

We had a fantastic time with family and friends.  Happy Birthday little man!!!!

Guess Who's 4.....

Four years ago today a woman halfway around the world faced one of the scariest days of her life.  Her water unexpectantly broke WAY to early.  And she gave birth to a very tiny baby boy whom she named Jae-min.  She then made the unselfish, heartbreaking decision to relinquish this beautiful baby boy to another family...a family who had been waiting for a baby.

I can't help but think of her today and the emotions she experienced on that day four years ago.  Did she hold this sweet baby?  Did she put her hand inside his tiny incubator and touch his delicate skin?  Did she tell him just how much she loved him, but needed to let him go?  Did she pray that he would have a good life and that he would be loved beyond measure?  Did she kiss his sweet cheeks and whisper in his ear?

On his day of birth I think of her so often and wonder if she is thinking of him too today.  I wonder if somehow she knows what a kind, funny, sweet, loving boy she gave birth to and how much he is loved and cherished.  I always say that if I had a genie and he gave me a wish it would be to meet both of my children's birth mothers.  To sit in a room and look into the face of the woman who gave birth to my two amazing gifts would be an honor.  To hear their stories and see their souls and share their tears would humble me.

This weekend will be a time of celebration in our family.  A time to celebrate 4 years of life of this amazing little boy....

But today is a day of reflection....to remember the woman whose sadness gave me happiness....because through her sorrow she made me a mother.
Tonight as Jae-min was taking a bath I commented that he used to be my little tiny baby.  And his response was "I'll always be your baby mamma"  Melt. my. heart.
And when I tucked him in tonight he said "guess how much I love you"  "to the moon and back, and to Korea to"..

Jaelah's First Family Day

Exactly one year ago today this little family stood in a hotel room for the very last time just the three of us...

I remember that day so vividly....the nerves, the excitement, the fear was all so present.  I remember having breakfast in the hotel to celebrate Joe's birthday.  Then Jae-min burned off some energy outdoors while I made my way back to the room to get together our gifts and donations.  And soon it was time to go to Holt to meet Yun-jeong.
I remember the meeting didn't go well and we really formed no connection at that meeting.  I remember her Omma not wanting to let her go, and in turn not encouraging her to interact with us.  I remember my nerves escalating during this time thinking how are we going to do this????  No information was given to us about her and Yun-jeong basically was not fond of any of us.  I remember walking out of the building still having not interacted with this little girl at all.  I remember being sort of shoved into the cab and then our social worker basically ripping this little toddler out of the only woman's arms she had ever known, handing her to Joe, and closing the door.  And then I remember the SCREAM.......

 It was the most haunting sound I have ever heard.  I remember her flailing and fighting us and Joe handing her to me.  I was able (miraculously) to calm her down and she fell asleep.

I vaguely remember walking back into the hotel with this sleeping stranger and laying with her on my chest as she slept.  And then she awoke, looked at me, and was fine.  She wanted ME from that moment on and for the next months and months I was all she wanted.  She formed an "anxious attachment" to me for months and honestly about killed me.
Those days, months, were hard.  Harder than anything I have ever endured in my entire life!!!!  She never openly grieved her life before us....which has made her transition to our family very hard.  I will not sugar coat this first year.  It has been so emotionally draining for all of us.  We have sought out alot of help to make Jaelah feel more comfortable and confident.  Some has been helpful....and some has been not.
I have given so much sweat, energy, tears, time, and love into this little being and there are still some days where I feel like we're right back to where we started from.
We do see more of this......

But do still have more work to do.  This year has tested me in more ways than one.  Jaelah has a very strong personality and when she's unhappy she lets you know it!!!  I know there's still a small part of herself that she is keeping guarded and that saddens me beyond measure.  She does let me see ALL of her....the good, the bad, and the ugly.  But to others she still is not confident to show all of those sides.
My hope for the coming year would be that Jaelah realize this is her forever family....and to just let go.  To let go of all those walls that she is holding onto and to let us in completely.
We've come a long long way.  Happy 1st family day little one!!!!!

And We Were Off....

It was exactly 1 year ago today that we boarded this big blue plane.....

For our second trip of a lifetime!!!!
Ok, ok, maybe we did have a few too many bags.....Haha

You think this guy was excited or what????  And this was early in the morning in the car on the way to pick up Papa.  The excitement only escalated from here if you can believe that.....

We had some snacks, some meals, some games, some movies, some walks, some meltdowns (oh, we were talking about Jae-min weren't we?), and even some of this.....

And before we knew it......about 24 hours total after we began we were there!!!!!
In the "land of the morning calm".....Seoul South Korea.  With nerves, excitement, anticipation, and butterflies in our bellies we landed in the land of our second home.  And very very soon we would meet our daughter!!!

Last Days and Missing Marty.....

On Thursday, Jae-min had his last day of preschool for the year.  It wasn't as emotional for this mom as I know next year will be because he'll be going back there in September....but it was still a bit surreal.  Jae-min left excited to be giving these flowers to all the teachers, and when I got him out of the car he grabbed hold of one of the packages and presented it to his "favorite" teacher with a huge smile!!!!

He's had a  wonderful year here and I'm so thankful that his first experience with school was so positive.  I was able to go and watch a magic show with him for the last day and watching him with his friends and marching in line is just so great.  He did so super well there and I am so happy with our choice.  But.....how did it happen that he's looks so much more grown up now????
This is him on the last day......

This was him on the first day.....
What I love most is that after months and months of school, he's still smiling!!!!

And this was him on the first day holding hands with the teacher walking into school.  Be still my heart...look how tiny he was and I remember feeling so nervous for him....ok ok and I maybe even shed some tears  Haha.

Just wanted to update you all on our family and missing Marty.  Jae-min has spoken about Marty every day (at least multiple times a day) since his passing.  Some of the questions are hard, and sometimes he'll just randomly say he misses him.  Last night it sort of came to a head.  He was being fresh so I spoke to him sternly and he lost it....I mean tears, sobbing, pretty much hysterics.  I know he's been missing Marty alot and I also know that he's a thinker, so has been thinking about things lots.  Poor guy was up till 2am last night crying, sobbing, and refusing to sleep because thats when he told us he dreams about Marty.
My mommy heart was pretty much ripped in two.  And there is nothing in this world that I can do for my boy but to hold him, to listen, and to tell him over and over about Marty's angel wings and heaven.  And to pray that Martin is watching us and will maybe cover this little boy's heart with peace.  Boy, this is really really hard.