Hello Daddy.......Goodbye China!!!!!!

Over the weekend we decided we needed a change.....so we bit the bullet and went with our gut. Joe decided to put Jaelah to nap over the weekend. Initially she cried, but Joe stayed with her and she settled and fell asleep. She would tolerate his help but the minute she'd see me she'd begin the whining and flipping out. Then on Sunday a very dear relative invited us to her pool to work on our bonding....we decided to put Joe in the pool and the only way Jaelah could get in would be in his arms. AND SHE DID IT and had a ball. A positive step!!!

We decided to finally be done with this manipulation so Joe has begun to sleep in her room all night long. For the past 3 nights he's comforted her in the night and she's woken up to his face. Initially she was very hesitant in the morning, sort of scooting by him running out of the room. But today she let him pick her up and come to find mommy. And today when she sees me she just smiles and waves and actually went up to Joe with her arms up to be picked up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe it??? She seemed even happier to be letting Daddy in. And wow does she look different not soooo close to my face Hahaha. Don't get me wrong....we have a LONG way to go with her, but a very tiny step in the right direction needs to be celebrated!!!!

We have an appt with an attachment counselor next week recommended by our agency. Fingers crossed we keep seeing little positive steps.

Next up.....sleeping in the crib.

Goodbye China....

Before traveling to Korea to meet Jaelah we had spoken to our China agency about what our plans were with their adoption. At that time I kept dragging my feet and asked to get back to them sometime this summer to make a decision. Well after thinking long and hard we officially pulled our names off the waiting list as of yesterday. To think that we were logged in on 5/25/07, thinking we'd be waiting 18 months and now 4 years later not really being any closer is just heartbreaking. But I know that by the time a referral came in Jae-min and Jaelah would be in elementary school, and at that time I know I couldn't go through the type of adjustment we've been going through for the past 6 weeks. I know I'm just not strong enough to do it. And I also know that if I didn't make this decision now, I'd drag my feet and never make a decision. So it is with a HEAVY heart that our dream of a little girl from China joining our family is no more.

My heart breaks and I am sad that it turned out this way. I know for us this is the best decision, but I also know that there will always be a missing piece, a missing someone, in our family. It may seem weird to some that we mourn a loss, a loss of what could have been. But in our hearts Ava Rose was real.....and to let go of that dream is HARD. I know we just need time to adjust, to rethink our plan for our family. But in my heart their will always be a little something missing.....and a little piece of my heart will always be in China.

So.....farewell sweet China girl.............but in your dream you brought us to our two children from Korea.

Still Alive

Sorry to have left you all hanging after our last post about our plan. We're still here, breathing, and taking it one day at a time. There are some small glimmers of hope throughout the day....and then we sort of get pushed back in the pool and feel alittle like we're drowning again. Like last night when Jaelah woke at 12 and didn't fall back to sleep till 3:30 downstairs (as no matter what I did wouldn't help for 3 hours upstairs) She then was up at 6:30 fussing. And not to sound like a broken record but she still won't let Joe comfort her at night, so ah I've been up since midnight. We've begun really pushing Daddy on her and sometimes she's accepting, and sometimes she's not.


Let me break down our plan for you and let you know where we are....

!. Journal....I'm continuing our journal of food, sleep, tantrums etc and now Joe (the positive rested parent haha) has decided to keep track of little improvements we're seeing so we can look back and not feel like everything is SO bad.

2. Pediatrician....she's healthy and no he doesn't think the issues are food related....I'm still not convinced!!!! So that's where our journal comes in and I'm giving it to the end of the week and may put another call in. He also thinks she's manipulating me at night and wants us to let her cry it out....Gasp!!!! from all you adoptive moms out there!!!!! No we're NOT letting her do that as we know right now thats not where she is with our relationship.....but boy when she's been up for 3 hrs in the middle of the night it sure is tempting Haha

3. Social worker....she came this weekend...long story....and began the visit telling me that I needed to be available still 24/7 and not to push Joe on her...Um, fast forward to the middle of the visit insert lots of tears from me, lots of brutal honesty about how we're feeling about everything and tada her advice changed. She now thinks I need to take care of myself too, let Joe help even if she cries, but still be available 24/7.

This visit was filled with alot of honest conversation, which we will keep private. She says that this will be VERY difficult and that we need all the SUPPORT we can get to make it through. And its ok to not like her right now....as she's not acting very likeable. I know thats hard for some to hear, but thats how we feel.....and its ok.

4. EI....still waiting to have an eval scheduled but am requesting an OT to provide services for her.

5. Visit with IAP....this is where most of our answers/support came from. She spent HOURS with us talking about everything which we'll keep private at this time.

We have come to a conclusion with our IAP ......Jaelah never had a healthy attachment with her foster mother. She had an insecure/anxious attachment which is now spilling over to us. This makes total sense to us looking back to our meeting where she never looked at us, never prepared this little girl for this change, and never gave her blessing. So on top of ALL the work we need to do adopting a 16mth old.....now we also have ALL the work to do to repair this attachment and form a healthy one to us.

I think I'm struggling the most with all of this. Struggling to see the small positives, struggling with the guilt that we ripped this little girl from everything and she's having such a tough time, but most of all struggling with feelings like I'm not a good enough mom for her.....because sometimes no matter what I do its never enough.

She was described as a bottomless pit, never really getting filled up. And when your the one who's supposed to be able to fill your child up......and its not working it makes you feel like a really crappy mom!!!!

That's where we are. Joe looking at the positives (like that she's coming to him more, she's kissing the dog, she's sometimes playing with Jae-min, she's using 3 signs rather than whining some of the day, and she's quickly learning that her tantrums DO NOT work) And me feeling guilty, tired, and a little like the worlds worst mom. And its ok to feel these feelings...its just where both of us are.

A Plan....

What happens when a crazed, frazzled mamma reaches a breaking point....a point where she knows she's at the end of her rope and needs some help??? She makes a plan....and that's exactly what we have spent the week doing. We are at a point in this new little family where we have recognized we need some help and we need it now!!!!! Things were going alittle better with her and Joe and then all of a sudden last night he went to do something with her (don't even remember what it was) and she FREAKED out....to the point where she clung to me the rest of the night and woke at midnight...then at 3am screaming and never really going back to sleep. Every time she would see Joe she would start screaming again.....and today has been a clingy, whiney, no good day. I'm so at a loss on what to do with her to help her out.....I carry her, I meet all her needs quickly, I put her in the carrier and walk for miles and still its not enough......and I feel like a COMPLETE FAILURE. And I know people are tired of hearing it....but I'm worn out...beat down....you name it

So heres our plan...

1. We've been in constant contact with our pediatrician and I think some things may be food related. So we've eliminated milk, giving her soy, and started a very bland diet. We have an appt with them next week. Maybe grasping at straws, but gotta start somewhere.

2. We begged our international pediatrician to see us and have an appt next Tues.....thank God!!! I'm banking on this appt to give me some answers to some very important questions on how to handle all these difficulties...the tantrums, the lack of bonding with anyone else, the freaking out, all of it.

3. I called my work and will schedule an appt for a full eval with EI in the coming weeks. I get to hand pick the team (one of the perks to knowing all the players) so I'm thinking long and hard who I want to see this show Haha

4. We may finally have an appt with our social worker next week. Not sure....we're still really upset and disappointed on how they've handled us.

5. I started a journal where I'm tracking foods, tantrums, etc to see any patterns. I gotta feel like I'm doing something.

So that's the plan....and in the meantime the day to day plan is basically to make it through each and every minute ALIVE....nice plan right???? But thats where we're at.

And I pray every night as I lay awake that tomorrow will be a sunny day....because being outside is honestly the only way I'm making it....
Pool and water table fun
Painting on the driveway with outdoor paints
Or painting on your face and clothes is fun too!!!!
Please keep those prayers coming. This is the hardest thing I have ever endured in my entire life. Joe and I are usually such a team and this is brutal having to do it ALL on my own. My hope is that the advice we get is to just let her scream with him and she'll need to learn...because it doesn't appear like taking it slow is working.....and we know many say it will just take time...but really its been over 3 weeks now and Joe hasn't even held his daughter....now that's a problem!!!!