2 Weeks Home....

And man, its gotta get better soon right???? I don't know...I'm at a complete loss. Yes somethings are better....like the fact that she can tolerate the dog, Jae-min, and even Joe in small doses now. But.....things are still so so hard for me. She's still hesitant about Joe offering her any comfort or meeting any of her needs. we've begun to push the issue just alittle and making him do small things for her because really folks he's her dad and I'm at the point where she sort of has to get over it. I know that sounds harsh....but I'm tired....no, I'm exhausted that I've been doing all the caring for this little being since we met her in Korea. She was waking at around 3am and over the past few days has decided to wake at midnight and NEVER really go back to a deep sleep. And I'm the only one she'll respond to at night and nap. So you guessed it, I've been waking at midnight too and never really going back to sleep. So I'm spending HOURS AND HOURS with this little girl climbing on me, crying on me, and smooshing my face as I "sleep" next to her. And I need some space, some sleep, and a little sanity back!!!! I dread the night with all of my being and naps aren't much better. We need to cut a break, and we need it fast!!!!!!

Some things are getting slightly better. She will leave my side BRIEFLY in the house and play a little. She doesn't freak out EVERY time I tend to Jae-min. And when she tantrums and I just lay her down and stand near her, she gets the picture that the behavior doesn't work because the tantrums are getting less in duration. I know small steps need to be celebrated. But when its 2am and your looking at a little face that you've been looking at for weeks and weeks without one second of a break, its hard to remember!!!!

I know I sound like such a whiner and if you ask Joe he thinks things are going so much better. And yes, in many respects he's right. But.....in my relationship with her....things haven't changed. I'm the only one who can soothe her, the only one who can dress her, the only one who can give here a bottle, the only one who can wrestle the wild monkey when she's tantruming for the 100th time that day. And being the only one is tiring, stressful, and downright unfair.

I'm living minute to minute here...sometimes second to second. I know this is what she needs. I know that she just experienced a huge loss and I'm the one she feels safe and secure with. But I also know that its hard. I would give anything to have a little break, to breathe, to not have a pit in my stomache, and to honestly enjoy these first weeks with her.

I do want to thank all those that call or email me with encouraging words even though I don't have the time right now to respond. I listen to those messages and read the emails over and over just to know I'm not alone. And to all my adoptive moms who read this blog and who I consider friends even though we've never met....thank you for your encouraging words. I know you "get it" and can relate. Keep the prayers coming folks. I'm at a loss, sucked dry, and tired....did I mention tired??????