In the world of adoption there are lots of milestones families strive for.....some HUGE....like completing all the paperwork, to the actual referral call, to the travel call, to of course finally meeting your little one. Others are SMALL, and will only be known by other adoptive families. One such milestone is when your child is with you longer than they were without you. You see, in the world of adoption this little milestone is HUGE....when that child that was placed in your arms has been in your family longer than they lived their life before you. Sometimes its months, and for some its years, but for every adoptive family it happens. And on October 10th it happened for us. That is the day that Jaelah has been with us longer than she lived in Korea, This day is often described as the "magical" day. Some have said that once this day hits all the struggles disappear and the child just knows they "belong" and all your worries melt away. Unfortunately that little magic has not shined down on our little family. This little magic number will not take away our struggles, because they are far too big, far too involved to be "magically" taken away. I wanted to take this opportunity, this milestone, to share honestly where we are today.
So please sit back, grab a cup of coffee, call in your significant others because this is going to be filled with honesty, with hard stuff, but with reality. And after 16 months.....and 1 day.... I think its time (long overdue actually) Ready?????? Here goes.......
It has been no secret that Jaelah has struggled since joining our family. Heck, it is no secret that we all have struggled. It has been no secret that I felt from the moment I laid eyes on her that something wasn't "right". I have always had this mommy instinct that something was missing....especially when things were so so hard in the beginning and all the things I was doing weren't even making a dent in the issues. It is also no secret that in these last 16 months I have sought out countless professionals, countless help and when doors have closed I have either pushed them open harder or found another door to walk through. It is no secret that I have been told over and over again that professionals just don't know, just don't believe, just don't think it could be true what I am describing. It is also no secret that all these walls have made me doubt my abilities, my knowledge, my "gut" telling me "No way, keep going, there is something everyone is missing" WHY CAN'T EVERYONE ELSE SEE IT???? that's what I kept thinking. For 16 months that's what I kept thinking, but after today no more. You see there was one door that I kept pushing open, 1 door where there was a person, a woman who listened. Who really listened and BELIEVED. And who is VERY concerned with what she has found out!!!!
Jaelah has been diagnosed with a trauma based attachment disorder as well as RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). Now I'm going to pause because I want all of you to take a moment and google search this....RAD...... go ahead, I'll wait......
Is your heart in your throat yet??? Are you feeling alittle sick to your stomache??? Do you see now that we are not "making' this stuff up???? A kid with RAD
*will take most of their "stuff" out on the mother figure Check!!! This is why most everything I say to Jaelah she fights. She's still afraid to get too close to me and love me so she uses her "meanness" and manipulation on me the most. She has never had a secure, loving relationship with a mother figure so she thinks this is what that relationship looks like. And sooooo many have assured me she would be behaving this way with "any" mother....its not me. Tell that to my mommy emotional heart. It will look like she's close with the other adults (father) but in reality she is no more attached to them. Its all part of their manipulation.
*will have a high need for control Check!!!! Check!!!! 90% of Jaelah's tantrums are because she can't get control. She needs to be in control of every situation. We have been instructed to insist upon taking that control away from her. That's why it may look like we're being "mean" sometimes, but in reality its a healing parent who shows the child that its ok to let go and give some control over to the adult.
*will manipulate, manipulate, manipulate Check!!! Check!!!! Check!!!! Jaelah manipulates soooo many situations.....from being well behaved in front of others, this is just her performing and please believe us it is not who we see daily. Sometimes I say I feel like I know 2 Jaelah's....the one I see, and the 1 others see. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON!!!! She tries her hardest to manipulate situations and has done this since our first meeting (heck she was manipulating her foster mother the entire visit) And when I stand my ground and refuse to be manipulated all heck breaks loose....the tantrums, the screaming, the fits. I have been instructed to stand firm and let her tantrum to show that this doesn't work. That I can not be manipulated.
*will have trouble trusting, showing love, and being in a family Check, check, check and check!!!!! Jaelah has a very tough time still trusting we will do what we say and thats why she has that repetitive language and disconnection to others when she speaks. We are working on stopping her, making her look at us, and then speak to us. And sometimes this is impossible for her. And those are the times where we may look "mean" again and not respond....but its what needs to be done. She needs to learn that people are for communicating with, for connecting with to have her needs met
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In terms of her difficulty being a part of a family that's the one that hurts the most. RAD kids take it all out on their core family(MOSTLY THE MOTHER).....because these are the people they feel most comfortable with. So when Jaelah is looking so well adjusted at a family function and then "loses" it the minute we get in the car its because she feels safe with us (mostly me). She feels she can show us that awful side because we are safe. Yet it hurts us very much to see that side sooooooo often. To watch her being such a joy to others and then having all heck break loose when we're together. And some may say just have her out and about more, let us watch her more etc. Jaelah tends to "punish" us when we do leave her.....meaning there are DAYS after an outing where she is pretty "ugly" to me mostly. She definately makes me pay. And not to mention that the ultimate goal is for her to function within our family.....so all this hard work needs to be done here.
And let's remember here that she suffered a HUGE trauma, and that's what's holding her back. So when she cries for me its a little more than the "normal" child crying for their mother. She may be re living that trauma and doesn't trust that I'll come back because that is what is ingrained in her mind. So it rips my heart out more than it would if she was a well adjusted little one crying for me. And that's why it's so important that we all understand and remember that huge trauma she suffered. She (and her reactions) may seem like all kids.....but because of her early life they are NOT!!!!!!
This is just a slight overview of some things we are dealing with. I know it may be hard for you to "get" because many times you see a very different little girl. But please know that is all part of her "illness". I urge you all to please please please read up on RAD because you too are in her life and need to know the whys of what we are dealing with. You need to understand how her actual brain chemistry has changed from the lack of attachment she never received in her 16 months before us. You need to understand that the meeting and hand off traumatized her in a way that angers us and will not go away without hard work from us. You need to be mindful of your comments, because as innocent as they seem to you (and most of the time they are intended to be innocent), those comments to a drained, fragile mamma trying sooooo hard to help heal a little girl are downright painful. They make all my thoughts of not being good enough, not being strong enough, not being the "right" mom for Jaelah feel true!!! And I know in my heart that is not your intention. But when your already feeling beaten down, little things seem really big. You need to understand that we do not make this stuff up, we do not "favor" Jae-min because our parenting has to be so different for the both of them. We just want to be VALIDATED, to be HEARD, to be UNDERSTOOD. We know Jaelah is the priority here (rightfully so).....but there is also a mother, a father, and a 4 year old little boy to think about. And we as her family suffer too.
Phew......I told you this was going to be long......and hard to read.......and honest!!!!!! I can see some of you rolling your eyes, I can hear the phones ringing to discuss amongst yourselves all I have written. And that's ok.....go ahead....I know that many of you will have opinions that may differ from what the professionals (and us) think. I know this is all hard to believe about a little girl. I know many think "she's just 2, its normal".......but from that moment I laid eyes on her in Korea I KNEW this was anything but normal age appropriate behaviors. It may appear "normal" but the root cause, the core of all we're dealing with is anything but.
You may ask and wonder what you can do. We'd love for you to just support us (and her) by reading up on RAD, by validating what is happening here, by loving and supporting ALL members of the family. This is soooooooooooo physically and emotionally draining. you have no idea.
Someone said to me think of it like this......
""" Its like she has a gaping wound, a wound sooooo deep that if it was on the outside you would run to her. You would see what you could do for her and for the people who are caring for her. But because this wound is on the inside and can not be seen, its harder to run. Its harder to reach out to the people who are caring for her. Its harder to understand just how deep this wound goes. But I can tell you folks.....after 16 months and 1 day caring for this emotionally damaged little girl I am here to tell you that wound runs DEEP. And affects all those caring for her!!!!"""
Thank you for reading and please re-read this post as many times as need be to understand. I know some of you will disagree with me putting this info on a public blog and I did not make this decision lightly. I thought about this for a long time. And then decided......why hide it????? This is what we are, who we are. We are not all peaches and cream, roses and sunshine. I know there are other adoptive families who read my words. And if I could help just one family not feel so alone if they were going through something similar then this decision was for the best. And besides this is part of Jaelah's (and ours) stories. Stories of survival, and family aren't always rosy. They are messy, filled with feelings no one can understand unless they have walked even a second in our shoes So we ask for COMPASSION as we move forward, to allow us to feel what needs to be felt, to do what needs to be done, and to figure out what needs to be figured out.
