Christmas

Christmas 2011 was filled with laughter, chaos, smiles, excitement, wrapping paper EVERYWHERE, and one little boy who totally "got" the holiday and one little girl who went along with it all.

Santa left the desired Elmo and scooter....as well as a dollhouse and Cars pillow. Jae-min was ecstatic for his scooter and has been scooting around the house ever since. He even "scooted" to bed on Christmas night!!!!
Jae-min awoke first and did well laying in bed with us for alittle bit. Then it was fair game....lets go wake up Jaelah!!!! She was not to thrilled with the entourage coming into her room with cameras. Come on sister.....Santa Came!!!!
Jae-min couldn't wait to get his little feet on that scooter. And our "safety police" even was looking for his helmet. We explained he could use the helmet he already had. "oh, then here I go"
Jaelah loved this doll cradle we got for her. I think it was her favorite gift!!!
Jae-min got lots of Cars gifts and loves every one of them.
Jaelah got lots of fun stuff too and took the day in stride.
Then a magical thing happened. While we were making lunch it started to snow!!! The kids were so excited and got to try out their new shovels from Grammy and Papa. We had so much fun throwing snowballs and catching snowflakes.
The night ended with a brother and sister sharing the couch to watch Frosty the Snowman.
We had a great time celebrating with family. Thank you for all the gifts and the memories. Merry Christmas!!!

Okey "Dokey"!!!!!

Santa has sent many little elves to homes with youngin's this time of year and we are no exception. Our special little friend began his "job" last year and has returned this year to make sure all is well during this holiday season. Meet little Dokey......Ah yes....Dokey....the magical elf. Well things started out on a great foot this season. Dokey decided to come for his first visit the weekend before Thanksgiving. He came with a note stating that he would stay till after Thanksgiving and then take the kiddos wish list back to Santa....oh and he even brought the kiddos a new movie...Wow!!!

So the kids made their lists and cut out a picture of a scooter (for Jae-min) and Elmo (for Jaelah) and off Dokey flew.
All was well until last week when our little 3 year old (Jae-min) had to ask "where's Dokey?" Hmm, come to think of it we hadn't seen him. I "covered" for Dokey and said maybe he's waiting for us to decorate....still no Dokey. Maybe he's waiting for us to put up our stockings...still no Dokey. Ok Dokey where are you????

Finally finally he arrived with huge cheers from one little boy and a sister who had no idea why she was doing a dance in the kitchen but whatever, if big bro's doing it so will I!!!

But Dokey was looking a little "funny" this year. This first place he perched himself he actually fell over onto his side. When I went to see what was the matter Jae-min shouted "stop! (insert wagging finger at me) You can't touch Dokey or he'll lose all his magical powers". So laying down he stayed.

And then last night after I put the kids to bed I heard one of their toys going off....sure enough Dokey had left his perch high on the curtain rod and fallen into the toy on his way to see Santa causing the toy to sing...LOUDLY. To which a certain 3 year yelled "what was that" Nothing dear just go back to sleep.

So today Dokey and I had a little chat about sleeping on the job, about being more careful, and about being alittle more responsible. I'm pretty sure we have the most irresponsible elf Santa has....a little secret...I've even seen Dokey running into a different spot after the kids wake in the morning because he forgot to leave and see Santa (wink wink) Come on little elf. Show some respect!!!!

This Boy......

This boy is a miracle by every sense of the word....he was born way too early, and way too small, yet has thrived and grown and blossomed.

This boy is a fighter.....from the moment he entered the world till now he has shown such persistence to excel in all he does.

This boy is a charmer.....from his doctors in Korea to his Omma to his forever family this boy has charmed the pants off of everyone he knows.

This boy is a son, a brother, a grandson, a great grandson, a nephew, a godson, and a friend.

This boy made me a mother, made us a family.

This boy was patient as we fumbled through it all (and still do), in hopes that we're getting it right by him......

Yesterday December 2nd marked 3 years since I saw this face....... I will NEVER forget those words on the other end of the phone "I have great news for you. You have a son!!!!" I will never forget sitting at my computer and opening an email and seeing that photo.....that adorable little mouth, and those sweet eyes, and that angelic expression on that sweet face....the face of my SON. It was instantaneous.....in that moment, in that first glimpse I knew I was looking at the boy who was always destined to be mine. It was indescribable the connection I felt. And now 3 years later as I look at that photo I am transferred back to that chilly day and know with all of my being that in one little photo, with one little glimpse I became a mother. It would be several months before I held my baby boy for the first time, but on that day December 2nd I was a mother who was looking at her son!!!
And just look at him now!!!! My love for him has grown immensely (if that's even possible) and each time I look at him I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am his mother. He may have been born half a world away, he may have had to wait until I could come for him, but it was all so so worth it. And now when he says to me "Mamma will you hold my hand?" when we're just chilling out watching tv my heart skips a beat......to know and see how love can travel halfway around the world astounds me. And to know and see how one little photo, how one little phone call could bring so much joy........makes me believe in MIRACLES....because that's what this boy truly is!!!!

The Others.....

I thought I'd update on the "others" to try to catch you all up on the happenings....So here goes...

Martin

This Sept Marty celebrated his 11th birthday. It was a very special occasion because if you remember last year (fall) our sweet Marty went into heart failure and was given 6mths to 1 year to live. And here he is, over a year later, still with his family!!!! Granted he's on meds 5 times a day...for a total of 7 meds daily....but....he's still the same Marty, loving life, enjoying the kids, and wanting to be involved in it all. Except for the collapsing episodes that happen to him when he overexerts himself or gets too excited, he's the same loyal, smart, sweet, loveable, best friend that he's always been. And until that changes we'll keep giving him those meds to keep him with us for as long as we can!!!!
Jae-min

This little (I mean big) guy has been through so much in the past months that it astounds me to think of how much he's grown and changed during this time. He amazes me every day. He's smart as a whip and loves to learn. He never forgets anything and will call you out on something if you say it you better mean it.

He started preschool in Sept 2 mornings a week and LOVES it...and the best part is they LOVE him. They call him Mr. Smiley and he's thriving there. I took alot of time picking out a small school with a loving staff and the pick was a PERFECT fit. I also did lots of preparing Jae-min this summer for the big change and he handled it like a champ....ok ok there were no tears from the 3 year old on the first day, but the mom....well she had some tears streaming down her face.
And this summer this big kid learned how to ride his bike like a BIG kid. Yup, you know this little preemie who came home with all those motor issues....well folks look at him now.....riding like the wind and never looking back!!! He's too funny on the bike because he gets too excited he's doing it and forgets to look ahead...you often see him looking back smiling. I've had lots of exercise this summer and fall chasing after this little man...and have loved every second of it.
The two together.......

Jae-min and Jaelah continue to develop a relationship every day. As we work on making Jaelah feel more and more comfortable I know the relationship will eventually blossom. She loves to do everything he does and will imitate him all the time. They fight like brother and sister and he really tries to reach out to her.....and little by little she's begun to take small steps to reach out to him. And if all else fails he'll just take her for a joy ride!!!!
The question

We know when adopting we'd be subjecting our family to many intrusive questions, but this question never really entered my mind but we've been getting it alot lately.....

Are they twins!!!!
What do you think???

Here Goes.....

First I would like to thank all those who have responded with such kind words and who are still here to read about our lives. A big thank you to those adoptive mommies who are here and cheering us on....your friendship and understanding mean more than you'll ever know. So as the title says.......HERE GOES

I'll start with an update on Jaelah. Ah, little Jaelah can only be described as one step forward and six steps back. She is a little girl with such anxiety, such behavior, such fear that sometimes it can drive you mad and other times it can make you cry....I've said before that we have seen countless professionals and this is what they thought

Could it be neurological (which we had an eeg to determine and results are inconclusive) Go figure

Could it be temperment, being spoiled for 16 mths, etc?

Could it be anxitey/anxious stuff? Yes, yes, yes

Could it be attachment? Yes, yes, yes

Her behaviors are out of control some times and her reactions to situations are so puzzling and not ok that it drives you crazy. We have slipped back to a pattern of fear, anxiety, did I say fear. She's having trouble going to unfamiliar and familiar places again and is now having trouble when others come to our home. She's begun to want to be held all the time again and feel anxious over things that would not make a typical kid anxious. She''s behaving in ways that puzzle you and ways that are downright scary at times. She can be fine one minute and screaming and thrashing the next. She has me so nervous all the time that I can not relax and enjoy. She's a kid who needs so much, yet all we do for her is never enough.

Honest alert......all this has made me feel inadequate, fearful for her and our future, and sometimes I struggle with doing it every second of every day. I am angry for how things went down in Korea...how her FM wouldn't share any info and how the handoff was so so traumatic. I'm angry that our agency won't believe this had anything to do with what we are now seeing. I'm angry at myself for feeling this way about a program that I love, one that made us a family. But I can't help but wonder what life would be like now if Jaelah had seen her FM accept us.

We know all about attachment and anxiety "stuff". We've read all the books and gosh have lived it for 5.5 months now. But all the things that we have been told to do are not working and that scares me. This little girl definately feels insecure, and fearful that we will all disappear as her other family did. And no matter what I do doesn't help her and I'm sad for that.....imagine feeling all these things for so long and never really seeing the steps you wish you could see.

And when others try to play it off by saying things like "she's just a girl", while that may be true, there are so so so so many other things at play here that its sort of like a knife in the heart for us. Because we know the severity of the issues we're facing....and we worry about them all the time.

We are still seeing our IAP, and EI, and her and I attend a playgroup at EI once a week. My head knows that I'm doing EVERYTHING possible for her, but my heart feels like a big time

failure!!!! Honestly how could you not????

And for those curious......Jaelah is sleeping in her own room, in her own crib, by herself, all night. Which is a huge step I know!!!!!! And believe me, after the trying days we are so so thankful for this blessing!!!

Where Have You Been????

I have heard this question a lot lately....where have you been?? Why haven't you updated the blog?? And to be honest I have started this post many times in the last few months and it just never felt right....it never felt genuine, it never felt honest and so I just decided to take a break for awhile to gather myself together and get my head on straight.

You see, I made a decision with myself that I would not sugar coat things that were happening at our house. I was tired of reading blogs that portrayed the first weeks/months home as picture perfect....rather than what they really are. I remember asking Joe why everytime someone asks him how its going he responds with "good, ok". And he said "because people don't REALLY want to know what's going on, they just want to hear everything is great and move on from there".

That got me thinking. I was getting comments about my negativity on the posts when we were newly home, the difficulties were really something people didn't want to hear. They were coming to this blog for cute pictures of two kiddos and funny stories. And I REFUSED to put that out there if that wasn't how it was. You see, I started this blog years ago to help me sort out my feelings during our adoption process. I love to write and it helps me to get my emotions down even when they are filled with negativity and hard times. And when I realized I was making others uncomfortable with my honesty I knew it was time for a break.

Over the last 4.5 months we have had some VERY difficult times. We have weathered storms which we never in a million years thought that we'd have to endure. We have seen COUNTLESS professionals for help who all have concluded they have never seen something like this before...not very reassuring let me tell you. We have cried more tears and felt so overwhelmed you could not imagine. Are some things better??? Sure...gosh if they were still that awful I think I'd seriously be in the funny farm by now. Do we still have a LONG way to go?? Sure....but we're trying....gosh are we trying.

The last 4.5 months have brought so many changes to this family....so much growth, so much insanity, so much frustration, and even so much joy. We are on a new path....a path we weren't really sure we'd ever be able to be on and if you told us long ago that we could do this we would never have believed you. I guess we are stronger that we ever thought.

So I am back from my needed break. But I will warn you that I still reserve the right for honesty....so if you are only here for the cute pictures, you may be sadly disappointed.

Hello Daddy.......Goodbye China!!!!!!

Over the weekend we decided we needed a change.....so we bit the bullet and went with our gut. Joe decided to put Jaelah to nap over the weekend. Initially she cried, but Joe stayed with her and she settled and fell asleep. She would tolerate his help but the minute she'd see me she'd begin the whining and flipping out. Then on Sunday a very dear relative invited us to her pool to work on our bonding....we decided to put Joe in the pool and the only way Jaelah could get in would be in his arms. AND SHE DID IT and had a ball. A positive step!!!

We decided to finally be done with this manipulation so Joe has begun to sleep in her room all night long. For the past 3 nights he's comforted her in the night and she's woken up to his face. Initially she was very hesitant in the morning, sort of scooting by him running out of the room. But today she let him pick her up and come to find mommy. And today when she sees me she just smiles and waves and actually went up to Joe with her arms up to be picked up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe it??? She seemed even happier to be letting Daddy in. And wow does she look different not soooo close to my face Hahaha. Don't get me wrong....we have a LONG way to go with her, but a very tiny step in the right direction needs to be celebrated!!!!

We have an appt with an attachment counselor next week recommended by our agency. Fingers crossed we keep seeing little positive steps.

Next up.....sleeping in the crib.

Goodbye China....

Before traveling to Korea to meet Jaelah we had spoken to our China agency about what our plans were with their adoption. At that time I kept dragging my feet and asked to get back to them sometime this summer to make a decision. Well after thinking long and hard we officially pulled our names off the waiting list as of yesterday. To think that we were logged in on 5/25/07, thinking we'd be waiting 18 months and now 4 years later not really being any closer is just heartbreaking. But I know that by the time a referral came in Jae-min and Jaelah would be in elementary school, and at that time I know I couldn't go through the type of adjustment we've been going through for the past 6 weeks. I know I'm just not strong enough to do it. And I also know that if I didn't make this decision now, I'd drag my feet and never make a decision. So it is with a HEAVY heart that our dream of a little girl from China joining our family is no more.

My heart breaks and I am sad that it turned out this way. I know for us this is the best decision, but I also know that there will always be a missing piece, a missing someone, in our family. It may seem weird to some that we mourn a loss, a loss of what could have been. But in our hearts Ava Rose was real.....and to let go of that dream is HARD. I know we just need time to adjust, to rethink our plan for our family. But in my heart their will always be a little something missing.....and a little piece of my heart will always be in China.

So.....farewell sweet China girl.............but in your dream you brought us to our two children from Korea.

Still Alive

Sorry to have left you all hanging after our last post about our plan. We're still here, breathing, and taking it one day at a time. There are some small glimmers of hope throughout the day....and then we sort of get pushed back in the pool and feel alittle like we're drowning again. Like last night when Jaelah woke at 12 and didn't fall back to sleep till 3:30 downstairs (as no matter what I did wouldn't help for 3 hours upstairs) She then was up at 6:30 fussing. And not to sound like a broken record but she still won't let Joe comfort her at night, so ah I've been up since midnight. We've begun really pushing Daddy on her and sometimes she's accepting, and sometimes she's not.


Let me break down our plan for you and let you know where we are....

!. Journal....I'm continuing our journal of food, sleep, tantrums etc and now Joe (the positive rested parent haha) has decided to keep track of little improvements we're seeing so we can look back and not feel like everything is SO bad.

2. Pediatrician....she's healthy and no he doesn't think the issues are food related....I'm still not convinced!!!! So that's where our journal comes in and I'm giving it to the end of the week and may put another call in. He also thinks she's manipulating me at night and wants us to let her cry it out....Gasp!!!! from all you adoptive moms out there!!!!! No we're NOT letting her do that as we know right now thats not where she is with our relationship.....but boy when she's been up for 3 hrs in the middle of the night it sure is tempting Haha

3. Social worker....she came this weekend...long story....and began the visit telling me that I needed to be available still 24/7 and not to push Joe on her...Um, fast forward to the middle of the visit insert lots of tears from me, lots of brutal honesty about how we're feeling about everything and tada her advice changed. She now thinks I need to take care of myself too, let Joe help even if she cries, but still be available 24/7.

This visit was filled with alot of honest conversation, which we will keep private. She says that this will be VERY difficult and that we need all the SUPPORT we can get to make it through. And its ok to not like her right now....as she's not acting very likeable. I know thats hard for some to hear, but thats how we feel.....and its ok.

4. EI....still waiting to have an eval scheduled but am requesting an OT to provide services for her.

5. Visit with IAP....this is where most of our answers/support came from. She spent HOURS with us talking about everything which we'll keep private at this time.

We have come to a conclusion with our IAP ......Jaelah never had a healthy attachment with her foster mother. She had an insecure/anxious attachment which is now spilling over to us. This makes total sense to us looking back to our meeting where she never looked at us, never prepared this little girl for this change, and never gave her blessing. So on top of ALL the work we need to do adopting a 16mth old.....now we also have ALL the work to do to repair this attachment and form a healthy one to us.

I think I'm struggling the most with all of this. Struggling to see the small positives, struggling with the guilt that we ripped this little girl from everything and she's having such a tough time, but most of all struggling with feelings like I'm not a good enough mom for her.....because sometimes no matter what I do its never enough.

She was described as a bottomless pit, never really getting filled up. And when your the one who's supposed to be able to fill your child up......and its not working it makes you feel like a really crappy mom!!!!

That's where we are. Joe looking at the positives (like that she's coming to him more, she's kissing the dog, she's sometimes playing with Jae-min, she's using 3 signs rather than whining some of the day, and she's quickly learning that her tantrums DO NOT work) And me feeling guilty, tired, and a little like the worlds worst mom. And its ok to feel these feelings...its just where both of us are.

A Plan....

What happens when a crazed, frazzled mamma reaches a breaking point....a point where she knows she's at the end of her rope and needs some help??? She makes a plan....and that's exactly what we have spent the week doing. We are at a point in this new little family where we have recognized we need some help and we need it now!!!!! Things were going alittle better with her and Joe and then all of a sudden last night he went to do something with her (don't even remember what it was) and she FREAKED out....to the point where she clung to me the rest of the night and woke at midnight...then at 3am screaming and never really going back to sleep. Every time she would see Joe she would start screaming again.....and today has been a clingy, whiney, no good day. I'm so at a loss on what to do with her to help her out.....I carry her, I meet all her needs quickly, I put her in the carrier and walk for miles and still its not enough......and I feel like a COMPLETE FAILURE. And I know people are tired of hearing it....but I'm worn out...beat down....you name it

So heres our plan...

1. We've been in constant contact with our pediatrician and I think some things may be food related. So we've eliminated milk, giving her soy, and started a very bland diet. We have an appt with them next week. Maybe grasping at straws, but gotta start somewhere.

2. We begged our international pediatrician to see us and have an appt next Tues.....thank God!!! I'm banking on this appt to give me some answers to some very important questions on how to handle all these difficulties...the tantrums, the lack of bonding with anyone else, the freaking out, all of it.

3. I called my work and will schedule an appt for a full eval with EI in the coming weeks. I get to hand pick the team (one of the perks to knowing all the players) so I'm thinking long and hard who I want to see this show Haha

4. We may finally have an appt with our social worker next week. Not sure....we're still really upset and disappointed on how they've handled us.

5. I started a journal where I'm tracking foods, tantrums, etc to see any patterns. I gotta feel like I'm doing something.

So that's the plan....and in the meantime the day to day plan is basically to make it through each and every minute ALIVE....nice plan right???? But thats where we're at.

And I pray every night as I lay awake that tomorrow will be a sunny day....because being outside is honestly the only way I'm making it....
Pool and water table fun
Painting on the driveway with outdoor paints
Or painting on your face and clothes is fun too!!!!
Please keep those prayers coming. This is the hardest thing I have ever endured in my entire life. Joe and I are usually such a team and this is brutal having to do it ALL on my own. My hope is that the advice we get is to just let her scream with him and she'll need to learn...because it doesn't appear like taking it slow is working.....and we know many say it will just take time...but really its been over 3 weeks now and Joe hasn't even held his daughter....now that's a problem!!!!

2 Weeks Home....

And man, its gotta get better soon right???? I don't know...I'm at a complete loss. Yes somethings are better....like the fact that she can tolerate the dog, Jae-min, and even Joe in small doses now. But.....things are still so so hard for me. She's still hesitant about Joe offering her any comfort or meeting any of her needs. we've begun to push the issue just alittle and making him do small things for her because really folks he's her dad and I'm at the point where she sort of has to get over it. I know that sounds harsh....but I'm tired....no, I'm exhausted that I've been doing all the caring for this little being since we met her in Korea. She was waking at around 3am and over the past few days has decided to wake at midnight and NEVER really go back to a deep sleep. And I'm the only one she'll respond to at night and nap. So you guessed it, I've been waking at midnight too and never really going back to sleep. So I'm spending HOURS AND HOURS with this little girl climbing on me, crying on me, and smooshing my face as I "sleep" next to her. And I need some space, some sleep, and a little sanity back!!!! I dread the night with all of my being and naps aren't much better. We need to cut a break, and we need it fast!!!!!!

Some things are getting slightly better. She will leave my side BRIEFLY in the house and play a little. She doesn't freak out EVERY time I tend to Jae-min. And when she tantrums and I just lay her down and stand near her, she gets the picture that the behavior doesn't work because the tantrums are getting less in duration. I know small steps need to be celebrated. But when its 2am and your looking at a little face that you've been looking at for weeks and weeks without one second of a break, its hard to remember!!!!

I know I sound like such a whiner and if you ask Joe he thinks things are going so much better. And yes, in many respects he's right. But.....in my relationship with her....things haven't changed. I'm the only one who can soothe her, the only one who can dress her, the only one who can give here a bottle, the only one who can wrestle the wild monkey when she's tantruming for the 100th time that day. And being the only one is tiring, stressful, and downright unfair.

I'm living minute to minute here...sometimes second to second. I know this is what she needs. I know that she just experienced a huge loss and I'm the one she feels safe and secure with. But I also know that its hard. I would give anything to have a little break, to breathe, to not have a pit in my stomache, and to honestly enjoy these first weeks with her.

I do want to thank all those that call or email me with encouraging words even though I don't have the time right now to respond. I listen to those messages and read the emails over and over just to know I'm not alone. And to all my adoptive moms who read this blog and who I consider friends even though we've never met....thank you for your encouraging words. I know you "get it" and can relate. Keep the prayers coming folks. I'm at a loss, sucked dry, and tired....did I mention tired??????

An Honest Update.....

Phew, what a week it has been!!!! This girl is FIESTY, spirited, spoiled (oh I mean loved by her foster family), persistent, strong willed, and definately knows what she wants and how to get it!!! She can throw a tantrum with the best of them if she doesn't get her own way....complete with SCREAMS, tears, red face, and yes the all famous back arching. This very private and shy mamma has been embarrassed on more than one occasion when she's challenged by this little girl who throws her "fits" while others just stare. It has been hard, exhausting, emotional, and downright horrible at times. Hey, I said this was an honest update.......I'm at a loss as to how to approach the tantrums and worried its some sort of attachment thing, but my gut tells me its her and how she was sooooo doted on in Korea.....like her first ever tantrum came at the airport in Seoul when my dad handed me a bottle of coke and she wanted some to which I said no......can you say embarrassing as she's flaying about with all these Korean folks watching us? Apparently she's had coke while living with her foster family, along with alot of other stuff that's not flying here in America!!!! Making her very very unhappy with these "mean" new parents.

She still hasn't let Joe hold her or care for her in any way. So...I'm going on day 11 being the Only person caring for her in the DAY AND NIGHT....and here comes the honesty again....I'm just about emotionally and physically spent!!!! What I wouldn't give to be able to let Joe soothe her at 11,1,2,3,4am just so I could get alittle rest. But that's not the case. Its me me me 24/7 which in a way is healthy to build an attachment to one person first....but gosh is it hard!!!

This picture cracks me up....she and I were playing with a balloon and she was laughing hysterically when Joe came up behind her, smiled, and yelled take my picture. Honestly she had no idea he was even there or she would have FREAKED OUT.
Here she was getting her groove on. She's showing all positive signs of attachment with me....smiles, laughs, seeks me out for comfort, and is even calling me Mamma. Shes begun to use the sign for more and responds to How big's Yun-jeong? by putting her hands in the air smiling.
And this little man is where the honesty will come back into play......I am worried that he's having a hard time with this little being taking all of mommy's attention away. I can't even care for him without her SCREAMING and I know its really wearing on him and me. I've made a point after I lay down with her for nap and night and she's asleep I sneak out for alittle bit to put my boy to bed. He needs it and I need it!!!!!!
So honestly.....we're tired, worried, feeling a little sick as to whether we're doing what needs to be done. Again I ask for your prayers for a little girl and boy, to somehow find their way to love each other. And for this mommy and daddy to start to feel like their doing something right.

I told my friend the other day this feels sort of like a bad science experiment....like how far can ONE person be pushed before they crack? Gosh, I may just have that answer soon.

I know the honesty of this post may make some uncomfortable and I honestly have thought long and hard about whether or not to even share, but right now, today, this is our reality. And I think its important for others to see this side of things. The hard hard hard stuff is happening here as we speak. And I pray soon we'll be finding our way out...our way to the good stuff.

Coming Up For Air

I feel like I've been in a tunnel that has sucked all of the air out of me for the past week. I'm trying to find the new balance, the new normal. I'm trying to give all of myself to two little beings who need me right now.....and its hard.

As you know our meeting and pick were EXTREMELY difficult, honestly we thought we had prepared but theres nothing in this world to prepare you for that!!!! And as I looked through the pictures to make this post all those emotions came flooding back....they are still so raw that I don't think I'm even ready now to talk about them. All I know is that my heart has been ripped from my chest witnessing what we witnessed and then hearing my son cry for his mommy because his sister needs me all the time. The guilt and insecurities of not being enough are there and as we find a new normal I struggle......to make a little girl comfortable and a little boy secure in my love.

We hung our family lock on Seoul tower....symbolizing our unending love for our two children.
This picture is where we began our bond....where she rested her little head on my shoulder and melted into my arms. Where I stroked her tear stained hair and cheeks and told her ooh gee mah (don't cry) to which she responded to immediately.
And here is my boy with DJ......he was the star of the show. We even had other foster moms comment on what an amazing kid he is and how great of parents we must be.....I think that may just have been the highest compliment yet.
Our girl continues to bond with me everyday....although an anxious bond right now she's working in a healthy direction. She looks for me for comfort, is easily consoled by me, and really prefers my company. She has yet to warm up to Joe.....which in all honesty is really really hard. Its exhausting for me to have to care for her 24/7 and sad for Joe that she's still afraid. We're working on it. She still has jet lag so has been waking at about 3am so yes my day starts then and goes full force till night fall.

We're working on building the relationship between the little ones also. She is more tolerant of me spending time with Jae-min which is making things a little easier. Yet my guilt is still there....I miss hanging out just me and my boy.

All in all it will take time and we know that. But when your exhausted, rejected, jet lagged yourself its hard. Really really hard. Continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We truly are so thankful and blessed beyond measure that we were chosen to be parents to these two amazing kids.

Last Day In Korea......THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello all its Joe again, we all are doing well here. Jae-min is still being a great big brother, even if Yun-jeong cries when he gets a little rough with her trying to help. She still has not warmed up to me yet, but i know that will come it time. Shannon can not leave her sight at all, so I get to put Jae-min in for his nap and bed. That makes Shannon sad and miss him. We will see you next at the Airport Sunday wish us Luck!!!!!!!!



Guys Day Out.
Here is Jae-min and Papa Eating at Dunkin Doughnuts!!!
Party on the bed after Nap!!!!!!!

On our way to the N.Seoul Tower!!!!

Dancing on Glass YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 5.....Thursday And She's All Ours!!!!

Sorry for the deley in updates. Things are going well. After a very rough hand off in the streets of Korea she is starting to warm up to us. Jae-min is being an awesome BIG BROTHER feeding and playing with Yun-jeong. Shannon pretty much has to be in sight at all times so I get to Blog for once. Thank you all for my Birthday Wishes. I couldn't ask for better gifts than my Two Beautiful Children and Awesome Wife. Sorry pictures are out of order, I am new at this. MORNING TIME

NAP TIME

This is the Doctor and Nurse who took care of Jae-min. They remembered him and thik hes doing GREAT.

BATH TIME AT THE ADRAGNA'S

Cab ride Jae-min stroking her hair

WARMING UP A LITTLE AFTER NAP.

THE HAND OFF

Day 4.....Wednesday And THIS IS IT!!!!!!!!!!

Its Thurday morning here in Seoul and in just 4 short hours we will meet and pick up our daughter!!!!! We can't believe this day is finally here!!!! We ended up going to breakfast this morning to celebrate Joe's birthday. Then we plan on hanging out till about 12:30 when we'll take a cab to Holt for this life changing experience. The gifts are packed, the donations ready to go, the flowers ordered and being delivered and the nerves and tears have begun to flow.
We ask that you pray......for Yun-jeongs little heart to heal quickly and for her to somehow feel peace that its all going to be ok. For Jae-min...that he feels loved and cherished through this huge change, and that our foundation of attachment that we've worked soooo hard to build is only slightly shaken and not destroyed. For me......that I have the strength to help both of my children through what is to come, the patience to handle it all, and the grace to do it beautifully. For Joe....that he has the strength to keep us all together, and at the same time feel what he needs to feel. And for Papa....that he can handle all the bags, work the video camera Haha, and soak in this awe inspiring experience. Its go time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We'll see you soon as a family of 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!On Wedesday we ended up going to Namedeum Market, saw the changing of the guards, and ate lunch at Bulgogi Bros. Jae-min loved the drums and watching the procession....and he finally got to see a king!!!!!!

Papa and Jae-min enjoyed haddeouk outside at the market....yummy!!!!

This nice guard made Jae-min feel so comfy standing next to him as he kept whispering little things to him.

Heres the market. We arrived shortly before it opened so it wasn't too crowded. It was fun to browse around and really experiene this part of Korea.

After lucnch we ended up napping and during nap looked what appeared....ah the reality has set in!!

After nap we went to dinner at chicken and beer. Jae-min was restless, whiney, and just not happy so I decided to take him to the park where we happened upon a concert. We were enjoying the music when all of a sudden things turned and I think we were in some sort of demonstration!!!! Um yeah awkward!!!!

The guys finally found us and were laughing that we'd probably get arrested hahahah

After we met up we went for a walk, then to bed.

One more sleep till we meet sweet Yun-jeong!!!!