Jaelah's First Family Day

Exactly one year ago today this little family stood in a hotel room for the very last time just the three of us...

I remember that day so vividly....the nerves, the excitement, the fear was all so present.  I remember having breakfast in the hotel to celebrate Joe's birthday.  Then Jae-min burned off some energy outdoors while I made my way back to the room to get together our gifts and donations.  And soon it was time to go to Holt to meet Yun-jeong.
I remember the meeting didn't go well and we really formed no connection at that meeting.  I remember her Omma not wanting to let her go, and in turn not encouraging her to interact with us.  I remember my nerves escalating during this time thinking how are we going to do this????  No information was given to us about her and Yun-jeong basically was not fond of any of us.  I remember walking out of the building still having not interacted with this little girl at all.  I remember being sort of shoved into the cab and then our social worker basically ripping this little toddler out of the only woman's arms she had ever known, handing her to Joe, and closing the door.  And then I remember the SCREAM.......

 It was the most haunting sound I have ever heard.  I remember her flailing and fighting us and Joe handing her to me.  I was able (miraculously) to calm her down and she fell asleep.

I vaguely remember walking back into the hotel with this sleeping stranger and laying with her on my chest as she slept.  And then she awoke, looked at me, and was fine.  She wanted ME from that moment on and for the next months and months I was all she wanted.  She formed an "anxious attachment" to me for months and honestly about killed me.
Those days, months, were hard.  Harder than anything I have ever endured in my entire life!!!!  She never openly grieved her life before us....which has made her transition to our family very hard.  I will not sugar coat this first year.  It has been so emotionally draining for all of us.  We have sought out alot of help to make Jaelah feel more comfortable and confident.  Some has been helpful....and some has been not.
I have given so much sweat, energy, tears, time, and love into this little being and there are still some days where I feel like we're right back to where we started from.
We do see more of this......

But do still have more work to do.  This year has tested me in more ways than one.  Jaelah has a very strong personality and when she's unhappy she lets you know it!!!  I know there's still a small part of herself that she is keeping guarded and that saddens me beyond measure.  She does let me see ALL of her....the good, the bad, and the ugly.  But to others she still is not confident to show all of those sides.
My hope for the coming year would be that Jaelah realize this is her forever family....and to just let go.  To let go of all those walls that she is holding onto and to let us in completely.
We've come a long long way.  Happy 1st family day little one!!!!!