Still Alive

Sorry to have left you all hanging after our last post about our plan. We're still here, breathing, and taking it one day at a time. There are some small glimmers of hope throughout the day....and then we sort of get pushed back in the pool and feel alittle like we're drowning again. Like last night when Jaelah woke at 12 and didn't fall back to sleep till 3:30 downstairs (as no matter what I did wouldn't help for 3 hours upstairs) She then was up at 6:30 fussing. And not to sound like a broken record but she still won't let Joe comfort her at night, so ah I've been up since midnight. We've begun really pushing Daddy on her and sometimes she's accepting, and sometimes she's not.


Let me break down our plan for you and let you know where we are....

!. Journal....I'm continuing our journal of food, sleep, tantrums etc and now Joe (the positive rested parent haha) has decided to keep track of little improvements we're seeing so we can look back and not feel like everything is SO bad.

2. Pediatrician....she's healthy and no he doesn't think the issues are food related....I'm still not convinced!!!! So that's where our journal comes in and I'm giving it to the end of the week and may put another call in. He also thinks she's manipulating me at night and wants us to let her cry it out....Gasp!!!! from all you adoptive moms out there!!!!! No we're NOT letting her do that as we know right now thats not where she is with our relationship.....but boy when she's been up for 3 hrs in the middle of the night it sure is tempting Haha

3. Social worker....she came this weekend...long story....and began the visit telling me that I needed to be available still 24/7 and not to push Joe on her...Um, fast forward to the middle of the visit insert lots of tears from me, lots of brutal honesty about how we're feeling about everything and tada her advice changed. She now thinks I need to take care of myself too, let Joe help even if she cries, but still be available 24/7.

This visit was filled with alot of honest conversation, which we will keep private. She says that this will be VERY difficult and that we need all the SUPPORT we can get to make it through. And its ok to not like her right now....as she's not acting very likeable. I know thats hard for some to hear, but thats how we feel.....and its ok.

4. EI....still waiting to have an eval scheduled but am requesting an OT to provide services for her.

5. Visit with IAP....this is where most of our answers/support came from. She spent HOURS with us talking about everything which we'll keep private at this time.

We have come to a conclusion with our IAP ......Jaelah never had a healthy attachment with her foster mother. She had an insecure/anxious attachment which is now spilling over to us. This makes total sense to us looking back to our meeting where she never looked at us, never prepared this little girl for this change, and never gave her blessing. So on top of ALL the work we need to do adopting a 16mth old.....now we also have ALL the work to do to repair this attachment and form a healthy one to us.

I think I'm struggling the most with all of this. Struggling to see the small positives, struggling with the guilt that we ripped this little girl from everything and she's having such a tough time, but most of all struggling with feelings like I'm not a good enough mom for her.....because sometimes no matter what I do its never enough.

She was described as a bottomless pit, never really getting filled up. And when your the one who's supposed to be able to fill your child up......and its not working it makes you feel like a really crappy mom!!!!

That's where we are. Joe looking at the positives (like that she's coming to him more, she's kissing the dog, she's sometimes playing with Jae-min, she's using 3 signs rather than whining some of the day, and she's quickly learning that her tantrums DO NOT work) And me feeling guilty, tired, and a little like the worlds worst mom. And its ok to feel these feelings...its just where both of us are.