The Others.....

I thought I'd update on the "others" to try to catch you all up on the happenings....So here goes...

Martin

This Sept Marty celebrated his 11th birthday. It was a very special occasion because if you remember last year (fall) our sweet Marty went into heart failure and was given 6mths to 1 year to live. And here he is, over a year later, still with his family!!!! Granted he's on meds 5 times a day...for a total of 7 meds daily....but....he's still the same Marty, loving life, enjoying the kids, and wanting to be involved in it all. Except for the collapsing episodes that happen to him when he overexerts himself or gets too excited, he's the same loyal, smart, sweet, loveable, best friend that he's always been. And until that changes we'll keep giving him those meds to keep him with us for as long as we can!!!!
Jae-min

This little (I mean big) guy has been through so much in the past months that it astounds me to think of how much he's grown and changed during this time. He amazes me every day. He's smart as a whip and loves to learn. He never forgets anything and will call you out on something if you say it you better mean it.

He started preschool in Sept 2 mornings a week and LOVES it...and the best part is they LOVE him. They call him Mr. Smiley and he's thriving there. I took alot of time picking out a small school with a loving staff and the pick was a PERFECT fit. I also did lots of preparing Jae-min this summer for the big change and he handled it like a champ....ok ok there were no tears from the 3 year old on the first day, but the mom....well she had some tears streaming down her face.
And this summer this big kid learned how to ride his bike like a BIG kid. Yup, you know this little preemie who came home with all those motor issues....well folks look at him now.....riding like the wind and never looking back!!! He's too funny on the bike because he gets too excited he's doing it and forgets to look ahead...you often see him looking back smiling. I've had lots of exercise this summer and fall chasing after this little man...and have loved every second of it.
The two together.......

Jae-min and Jaelah continue to develop a relationship every day. As we work on making Jaelah feel more and more comfortable I know the relationship will eventually blossom. She loves to do everything he does and will imitate him all the time. They fight like brother and sister and he really tries to reach out to her.....and little by little she's begun to take small steps to reach out to him. And if all else fails he'll just take her for a joy ride!!!!
The question

We know when adopting we'd be subjecting our family to many intrusive questions, but this question never really entered my mind but we've been getting it alot lately.....

Are they twins!!!!
What do you think???

Here Goes.....

First I would like to thank all those who have responded with such kind words and who are still here to read about our lives. A big thank you to those adoptive mommies who are here and cheering us on....your friendship and understanding mean more than you'll ever know. So as the title says.......HERE GOES

I'll start with an update on Jaelah. Ah, little Jaelah can only be described as one step forward and six steps back. She is a little girl with such anxiety, such behavior, such fear that sometimes it can drive you mad and other times it can make you cry....I've said before that we have seen countless professionals and this is what they thought

Could it be neurological (which we had an eeg to determine and results are inconclusive) Go figure

Could it be temperment, being spoiled for 16 mths, etc?

Could it be anxitey/anxious stuff? Yes, yes, yes

Could it be attachment? Yes, yes, yes

Her behaviors are out of control some times and her reactions to situations are so puzzling and not ok that it drives you crazy. We have slipped back to a pattern of fear, anxiety, did I say fear. She's having trouble going to unfamiliar and familiar places again and is now having trouble when others come to our home. She's begun to want to be held all the time again and feel anxious over things that would not make a typical kid anxious. She''s behaving in ways that puzzle you and ways that are downright scary at times. She can be fine one minute and screaming and thrashing the next. She has me so nervous all the time that I can not relax and enjoy. She's a kid who needs so much, yet all we do for her is never enough.

Honest alert......all this has made me feel inadequate, fearful for her and our future, and sometimes I struggle with doing it every second of every day. I am angry for how things went down in Korea...how her FM wouldn't share any info and how the handoff was so so traumatic. I'm angry that our agency won't believe this had anything to do with what we are now seeing. I'm angry at myself for feeling this way about a program that I love, one that made us a family. But I can't help but wonder what life would be like now if Jaelah had seen her FM accept us.

We know all about attachment and anxiety "stuff". We've read all the books and gosh have lived it for 5.5 months now. But all the things that we have been told to do are not working and that scares me. This little girl definately feels insecure, and fearful that we will all disappear as her other family did. And no matter what I do doesn't help her and I'm sad for that.....imagine feeling all these things for so long and never really seeing the steps you wish you could see.

And when others try to play it off by saying things like "she's just a girl", while that may be true, there are so so so so many other things at play here that its sort of like a knife in the heart for us. Because we know the severity of the issues we're facing....and we worry about them all the time.

We are still seeing our IAP, and EI, and her and I attend a playgroup at EI once a week. My head knows that I'm doing EVERYTHING possible for her, but my heart feels like a big time

failure!!!! Honestly how could you not????

And for those curious......Jaelah is sleeping in her own room, in her own crib, by herself, all night. Which is a huge step I know!!!!!! And believe me, after the trying days we are so so thankful for this blessing!!!

Where Have You Been????

I have heard this question a lot lately....where have you been?? Why haven't you updated the blog?? And to be honest I have started this post many times in the last few months and it just never felt right....it never felt genuine, it never felt honest and so I just decided to take a break for awhile to gather myself together and get my head on straight.

You see, I made a decision with myself that I would not sugar coat things that were happening at our house. I was tired of reading blogs that portrayed the first weeks/months home as picture perfect....rather than what they really are. I remember asking Joe why everytime someone asks him how its going he responds with "good, ok". And he said "because people don't REALLY want to know what's going on, they just want to hear everything is great and move on from there".

That got me thinking. I was getting comments about my negativity on the posts when we were newly home, the difficulties were really something people didn't want to hear. They were coming to this blog for cute pictures of two kiddos and funny stories. And I REFUSED to put that out there if that wasn't how it was. You see, I started this blog years ago to help me sort out my feelings during our adoption process. I love to write and it helps me to get my emotions down even when they are filled with negativity and hard times. And when I realized I was making others uncomfortable with my honesty I knew it was time for a break.

Over the last 4.5 months we have had some VERY difficult times. We have weathered storms which we never in a million years thought that we'd have to endure. We have seen COUNTLESS professionals for help who all have concluded they have never seen something like this before...not very reassuring let me tell you. We have cried more tears and felt so overwhelmed you could not imagine. Are some things better??? Sure...gosh if they were still that awful I think I'd seriously be in the funny farm by now. Do we still have a LONG way to go?? Sure....but we're trying....gosh are we trying.

The last 4.5 months have brought so many changes to this family....so much growth, so much insanity, so much frustration, and even so much joy. We are on a new path....a path we weren't really sure we'd ever be able to be on and if you told us long ago that we could do this we would never have believed you. I guess we are stronger that we ever thought.

So I am back from my needed break. But I will warn you that I still reserve the right for honesty....so if you are only here for the cute pictures, you may be sadly disappointed.