Imagine the person you love most in the world suddenly disappears. How would you react? How would you grieve? Then another person begins to try to take the place of your loved one...during your grief this imposter tries to hug you, sing to you, and hold you close. How would you react? Would you be able to eat, sleep, let this complete stranger in? Or would you push them away? Would you cry and scream? Or would you completely shut down, hoping this imposter would go away?
Grief is a very powerful thing. But a necessary step to get to the other side, to let others in. As adoptive parents, the grief is the hardest part of the journy. Watching your child....who you longed for and dreamed about...greive is THE HARDEST thing you will ever do in your entire life!! And the guilt creeps in....the guilt that you are actually the cause of the greatest grief and hearbreak your child will ever have to endure. Logically you know that this phase is necessary for bonding and attachment to take place. Logically you know that your child (and you) has to walk through this to get to the other side. Illogically you don't want to do it!! You dread it with all of your being. You know what its going to be like and you honestly don't know if your strong enough to walk this journey with your child again. And you are scared, scared to be in the trenches of grief and feel so alone. Scared for all those feelings of fear to creep up again and watch your child reject you. Scared that you may not be able to do it!!
Will Jaelah be an outward griever? Will she scream, arch her back, sob the most haunting sobs you have ever heard, and maybe even throw up when she realizes her Omma is gone? Will she scream for hours and reject one of us completely at first? Or will she be an inward griever? Will she shut down and seem "fine" during the day? Will she grieve at night when the house is quiet and she has time to process everything that happened? Then will her grief come out?
Jae-min was a night time griever. He was "fine" on the outside throughout the day, but when night came and he began processing it all the screaming, crying, pulling away would begin. The look on his face when he realized it was us trying to comfort him is forever etched in my mind. He didn't want us, honestly at night I'm pretty sure he didn't even like us. We knew to hold him, soothe him, and help him through this time. We knew we had to prove ourselves to him. And we did.............eventually. We walked the hardest road we have ever walked in our lives. We thought at times we were drowning, and would never make it to the end,,,but we did.
The pain hasn't gone away, the memories have dimmed, but are not forgotten.
Which makes this time around alittle more scary. This time around we know exactly what grief looks like, how awful it will be, but on the other hand how necessary of a process it is. Jaelah has a bond/attachment to her foster family and will need to grieve their loss in order to bond/attach to us. She has no idea of the changes that are on their way. The guilt will creep in again, that we're doing this to our beloved baby girl. We know that it was never God's intention for Yun-jeong to live with her omma forever, but she doesn't know that. She is happy and secure and loved as we speak.....and then we will come and take her away from all of that...........and then the grief will begin.
When we're in the trenches of grief with our sweet Jaelah Yun-jeong we simply ask for encouraging words, a pat on the back, a smile or little pep talk from all of you. We realize if you have never been an adoptive parent it is difficult to understand the enormity of the grief our little ones go through.....and thats ok. But just try to remember the grief you would feel if these changes happened to you. If all you had ever known suddenly disappeared, how would you react?
We are prepared as best we can be for the grief to come. We know that we'll make it through, and when we think we can't do it anymore we'll find the strength somehow. On Friday as our plane takes off to bring us to our beautiful girl, I know our hearts will be heavy as well as bursting. I know there will be tears shed because we know what Yun-jeong is about to endure. And on the following Sunday as our plane leaves Seoul, more tears will fall from our eyes as her grief becomes clear in all that she is losing.....a country, a culture, a language, a family....her world. And as she says goodbye to her foster family, her grief will become our own. We will try to shoulder some of that grief for our daughter, because honestly no little person should ever have to feel that much pain. Adoption is full of hopes and fulfilled dreams, but it is also full of loss. And in that understanding comes a greater understanding of the grief.
The guys decided they needed coffee so I decided to walk down the street because it looked very familiar. And sure enough as I held Jae-min's hand we happened upon Holt. It was closed today due to a holiday but we looked in the windows and I began explaining to Jae-min what this building means. And then it happened.....right there on the streets of Seoul this crazy American mommy was overcome with emotion as she held the hand of her little Korean son.
You see this building is where we are matched with our children. Where every t is crossed and i dotted to bring them home, where we meet them for the first time, and then say goodbye to their omma. Where dreams and heartbreak are all rolled into one. I stood on that sidewalk and was transformed back 2 years, looking at the exact spot where Jae-min's omma stroked my face and he became ours forever!!!!!
The enormity of it all hit me on this sidewalk, standing in front of a closed building, watching the little boy who once was so frightened holding my hand. I couldn't stop the tears.
It was beautiful, then off to lunch.
We took a nice long nap then Jae-min hit the playground again, had some dinner, played in the room and off to bed.
