Here Goes.....

First I would like to thank all those who have responded with such kind words and who are still here to read about our lives. A big thank you to those adoptive mommies who are here and cheering us on....your friendship and understanding mean more than you'll ever know. So as the title says.......HERE GOES

I'll start with an update on Jaelah. Ah, little Jaelah can only be described as one step forward and six steps back. She is a little girl with such anxiety, such behavior, such fear that sometimes it can drive you mad and other times it can make you cry....I've said before that we have seen countless professionals and this is what they thought

Could it be neurological (which we had an eeg to determine and results are inconclusive) Go figure

Could it be temperment, being spoiled for 16 mths, etc?

Could it be anxitey/anxious stuff? Yes, yes, yes

Could it be attachment? Yes, yes, yes

Her behaviors are out of control some times and her reactions to situations are so puzzling and not ok that it drives you crazy. We have slipped back to a pattern of fear, anxiety, did I say fear. She's having trouble going to unfamiliar and familiar places again and is now having trouble when others come to our home. She's begun to want to be held all the time again and feel anxious over things that would not make a typical kid anxious. She''s behaving in ways that puzzle you and ways that are downright scary at times. She can be fine one minute and screaming and thrashing the next. She has me so nervous all the time that I can not relax and enjoy. She's a kid who needs so much, yet all we do for her is never enough.

Honest alert......all this has made me feel inadequate, fearful for her and our future, and sometimes I struggle with doing it every second of every day. I am angry for how things went down in Korea...how her FM wouldn't share any info and how the handoff was so so traumatic. I'm angry that our agency won't believe this had anything to do with what we are now seeing. I'm angry at myself for feeling this way about a program that I love, one that made us a family. But I can't help but wonder what life would be like now if Jaelah had seen her FM accept us.

We know all about attachment and anxiety "stuff". We've read all the books and gosh have lived it for 5.5 months now. But all the things that we have been told to do are not working and that scares me. This little girl definately feels insecure, and fearful that we will all disappear as her other family did. And no matter what I do doesn't help her and I'm sad for that.....imagine feeling all these things for so long and never really seeing the steps you wish you could see.

And when others try to play it off by saying things like "she's just a girl", while that may be true, there are so so so so many other things at play here that its sort of like a knife in the heart for us. Because we know the severity of the issues we're facing....and we worry about them all the time.

We are still seeing our IAP, and EI, and her and I attend a playgroup at EI once a week. My head knows that I'm doing EVERYTHING possible for her, but my heart feels like a big time

failure!!!! Honestly how could you not????

And for those curious......Jaelah is sleeping in her own room, in her own crib, by herself, all night. Which is a huge step I know!!!!!! And believe me, after the trying days we are so so thankful for this blessing!!!

Where Have You Been????

I have heard this question a lot lately....where have you been?? Why haven't you updated the blog?? And to be honest I have started this post many times in the last few months and it just never felt right....it never felt genuine, it never felt honest and so I just decided to take a break for awhile to gather myself together and get my head on straight.

You see, I made a decision with myself that I would not sugar coat things that were happening at our house. I was tired of reading blogs that portrayed the first weeks/months home as picture perfect....rather than what they really are. I remember asking Joe why everytime someone asks him how its going he responds with "good, ok". And he said "because people don't REALLY want to know what's going on, they just want to hear everything is great and move on from there".

That got me thinking. I was getting comments about my negativity on the posts when we were newly home, the difficulties were really something people didn't want to hear. They were coming to this blog for cute pictures of two kiddos and funny stories. And I REFUSED to put that out there if that wasn't how it was. You see, I started this blog years ago to help me sort out my feelings during our adoption process. I love to write and it helps me to get my emotions down even when they are filled with negativity and hard times. And when I realized I was making others uncomfortable with my honesty I knew it was time for a break.

Over the last 4.5 months we have had some VERY difficult times. We have weathered storms which we never in a million years thought that we'd have to endure. We have seen COUNTLESS professionals for help who all have concluded they have never seen something like this before...not very reassuring let me tell you. We have cried more tears and felt so overwhelmed you could not imagine. Are some things better??? Sure...gosh if they were still that awful I think I'd seriously be in the funny farm by now. Do we still have a LONG way to go?? Sure....but we're trying....gosh are we trying.

The last 4.5 months have brought so many changes to this family....so much growth, so much insanity, so much frustration, and even so much joy. We are on a new path....a path we weren't really sure we'd ever be able to be on and if you told us long ago that we could do this we would never have believed you. I guess we are stronger that we ever thought.

So I am back from my needed break. But I will warn you that I still reserve the right for honesty....so if you are only here for the cute pictures, you may be sadly disappointed.

Hello Daddy.......Goodbye China!!!!!!

Over the weekend we decided we needed a change.....so we bit the bullet and went with our gut. Joe decided to put Jaelah to nap over the weekend. Initially she cried, but Joe stayed with her and she settled and fell asleep. She would tolerate his help but the minute she'd see me she'd begin the whining and flipping out. Then on Sunday a very dear relative invited us to her pool to work on our bonding....we decided to put Joe in the pool and the only way Jaelah could get in would be in his arms. AND SHE DID IT and had a ball. A positive step!!!

We decided to finally be done with this manipulation so Joe has begun to sleep in her room all night long. For the past 3 nights he's comforted her in the night and she's woken up to his face. Initially she was very hesitant in the morning, sort of scooting by him running out of the room. But today she let him pick her up and come to find mommy. And today when she sees me she just smiles and waves and actually went up to Joe with her arms up to be picked up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe it??? She seemed even happier to be letting Daddy in. And wow does she look different not soooo close to my face Hahaha. Don't get me wrong....we have a LONG way to go with her, but a very tiny step in the right direction needs to be celebrated!!!!

We have an appt with an attachment counselor next week recommended by our agency. Fingers crossed we keep seeing little positive steps.

Next up.....sleeping in the crib.

Goodbye China....

Before traveling to Korea to meet Jaelah we had spoken to our China agency about what our plans were with their adoption. At that time I kept dragging my feet and asked to get back to them sometime this summer to make a decision. Well after thinking long and hard we officially pulled our names off the waiting list as of yesterday. To think that we were logged in on 5/25/07, thinking we'd be waiting 18 months and now 4 years later not really being any closer is just heartbreaking. But I know that by the time a referral came in Jae-min and Jaelah would be in elementary school, and at that time I know I couldn't go through the type of adjustment we've been going through for the past 6 weeks. I know I'm just not strong enough to do it. And I also know that if I didn't make this decision now, I'd drag my feet and never make a decision. So it is with a HEAVY heart that our dream of a little girl from China joining our family is no more.

My heart breaks and I am sad that it turned out this way. I know for us this is the best decision, but I also know that there will always be a missing piece, a missing someone, in our family. It may seem weird to some that we mourn a loss, a loss of what could have been. But in our hearts Ava Rose was real.....and to let go of that dream is HARD. I know we just need time to adjust, to rethink our plan for our family. But in my heart their will always be a little something missing.....and a little piece of my heart will always be in China.

So.....farewell sweet China girl.............but in your dream you brought us to our two children from Korea.

Still Alive

Sorry to have left you all hanging after our last post about our plan. We're still here, breathing, and taking it one day at a time. There are some small glimmers of hope throughout the day....and then we sort of get pushed back in the pool and feel alittle like we're drowning again. Like last night when Jaelah woke at 12 and didn't fall back to sleep till 3:30 downstairs (as no matter what I did wouldn't help for 3 hours upstairs) She then was up at 6:30 fussing. And not to sound like a broken record but she still won't let Joe comfort her at night, so ah I've been up since midnight. We've begun really pushing Daddy on her and sometimes she's accepting, and sometimes she's not.


Let me break down our plan for you and let you know where we are....

!. Journal....I'm continuing our journal of food, sleep, tantrums etc and now Joe (the positive rested parent haha) has decided to keep track of little improvements we're seeing so we can look back and not feel like everything is SO bad.

2. Pediatrician....she's healthy and no he doesn't think the issues are food related....I'm still not convinced!!!! So that's where our journal comes in and I'm giving it to the end of the week and may put another call in. He also thinks she's manipulating me at night and wants us to let her cry it out....Gasp!!!! from all you adoptive moms out there!!!!! No we're NOT letting her do that as we know right now thats not where she is with our relationship.....but boy when she's been up for 3 hrs in the middle of the night it sure is tempting Haha

3. Social worker....she came this weekend...long story....and began the visit telling me that I needed to be available still 24/7 and not to push Joe on her...Um, fast forward to the middle of the visit insert lots of tears from me, lots of brutal honesty about how we're feeling about everything and tada her advice changed. She now thinks I need to take care of myself too, let Joe help even if she cries, but still be available 24/7.

This visit was filled with alot of honest conversation, which we will keep private. She says that this will be VERY difficult and that we need all the SUPPORT we can get to make it through. And its ok to not like her right now....as she's not acting very likeable. I know thats hard for some to hear, but thats how we feel.....and its ok.

4. EI....still waiting to have an eval scheduled but am requesting an OT to provide services for her.

5. Visit with IAP....this is where most of our answers/support came from. She spent HOURS with us talking about everything which we'll keep private at this time.

We have come to a conclusion with our IAP ......Jaelah never had a healthy attachment with her foster mother. She had an insecure/anxious attachment which is now spilling over to us. This makes total sense to us looking back to our meeting where she never looked at us, never prepared this little girl for this change, and never gave her blessing. So on top of ALL the work we need to do adopting a 16mth old.....now we also have ALL the work to do to repair this attachment and form a healthy one to us.

I think I'm struggling the most with all of this. Struggling to see the small positives, struggling with the guilt that we ripped this little girl from everything and she's having such a tough time, but most of all struggling with feelings like I'm not a good enough mom for her.....because sometimes no matter what I do its never enough.

She was described as a bottomless pit, never really getting filled up. And when your the one who's supposed to be able to fill your child up......and its not working it makes you feel like a really crappy mom!!!!

That's where we are. Joe looking at the positives (like that she's coming to him more, she's kissing the dog, she's sometimes playing with Jae-min, she's using 3 signs rather than whining some of the day, and she's quickly learning that her tantrums DO NOT work) And me feeling guilty, tired, and a little like the worlds worst mom. And its ok to feel these feelings...its just where both of us are.

A Plan....

What happens when a crazed, frazzled mamma reaches a breaking point....a point where she knows she's at the end of her rope and needs some help??? She makes a plan....and that's exactly what we have spent the week doing. We are at a point in this new little family where we have recognized we need some help and we need it now!!!!! Things were going alittle better with her and Joe and then all of a sudden last night he went to do something with her (don't even remember what it was) and she FREAKED out....to the point where she clung to me the rest of the night and woke at midnight...then at 3am screaming and never really going back to sleep. Every time she would see Joe she would start screaming again.....and today has been a clingy, whiney, no good day. I'm so at a loss on what to do with her to help her out.....I carry her, I meet all her needs quickly, I put her in the carrier and walk for miles and still its not enough......and I feel like a COMPLETE FAILURE. And I know people are tired of hearing it....but I'm worn out...beat down....you name it

So heres our plan...

1. We've been in constant contact with our pediatrician and I think some things may be food related. So we've eliminated milk, giving her soy, and started a very bland diet. We have an appt with them next week. Maybe grasping at straws, but gotta start somewhere.

2. We begged our international pediatrician to see us and have an appt next Tues.....thank God!!! I'm banking on this appt to give me some answers to some very important questions on how to handle all these difficulties...the tantrums, the lack of bonding with anyone else, the freaking out, all of it.

3. I called my work and will schedule an appt for a full eval with EI in the coming weeks. I get to hand pick the team (one of the perks to knowing all the players) so I'm thinking long and hard who I want to see this show Haha

4. We may finally have an appt with our social worker next week. Not sure....we're still really upset and disappointed on how they've handled us.

5. I started a journal where I'm tracking foods, tantrums, etc to see any patterns. I gotta feel like I'm doing something.

So that's the plan....and in the meantime the day to day plan is basically to make it through each and every minute ALIVE....nice plan right???? But thats where we're at.

And I pray every night as I lay awake that tomorrow will be a sunny day....because being outside is honestly the only way I'm making it....
Pool and water table fun
Painting on the driveway with outdoor paints
Or painting on your face and clothes is fun too!!!!
Please keep those prayers coming. This is the hardest thing I have ever endured in my entire life. Joe and I are usually such a team and this is brutal having to do it ALL on my own. My hope is that the advice we get is to just let her scream with him and she'll need to learn...because it doesn't appear like taking it slow is working.....and we know many say it will just take time...but really its been over 3 weeks now and Joe hasn't even held his daughter....now that's a problem!!!!

2 Weeks Home....

And man, its gotta get better soon right???? I don't know...I'm at a complete loss. Yes somethings are better....like the fact that she can tolerate the dog, Jae-min, and even Joe in small doses now. But.....things are still so so hard for me. She's still hesitant about Joe offering her any comfort or meeting any of her needs. we've begun to push the issue just alittle and making him do small things for her because really folks he's her dad and I'm at the point where she sort of has to get over it. I know that sounds harsh....but I'm tired....no, I'm exhausted that I've been doing all the caring for this little being since we met her in Korea. She was waking at around 3am and over the past few days has decided to wake at midnight and NEVER really go back to a deep sleep. And I'm the only one she'll respond to at night and nap. So you guessed it, I've been waking at midnight too and never really going back to sleep. So I'm spending HOURS AND HOURS with this little girl climbing on me, crying on me, and smooshing my face as I "sleep" next to her. And I need some space, some sleep, and a little sanity back!!!! I dread the night with all of my being and naps aren't much better. We need to cut a break, and we need it fast!!!!!!

Some things are getting slightly better. She will leave my side BRIEFLY in the house and play a little. She doesn't freak out EVERY time I tend to Jae-min. And when she tantrums and I just lay her down and stand near her, she gets the picture that the behavior doesn't work because the tantrums are getting less in duration. I know small steps need to be celebrated. But when its 2am and your looking at a little face that you've been looking at for weeks and weeks without one second of a break, its hard to remember!!!!

I know I sound like such a whiner and if you ask Joe he thinks things are going so much better. And yes, in many respects he's right. But.....in my relationship with her....things haven't changed. I'm the only one who can soothe her, the only one who can dress her, the only one who can give here a bottle, the only one who can wrestle the wild monkey when she's tantruming for the 100th time that day. And being the only one is tiring, stressful, and downright unfair.

I'm living minute to minute here...sometimes second to second. I know this is what she needs. I know that she just experienced a huge loss and I'm the one she feels safe and secure with. But I also know that its hard. I would give anything to have a little break, to breathe, to not have a pit in my stomache, and to honestly enjoy these first weeks with her.

I do want to thank all those that call or email me with encouraging words even though I don't have the time right now to respond. I listen to those messages and read the emails over and over just to know I'm not alone. And to all my adoptive moms who read this blog and who I consider friends even though we've never met....thank you for your encouraging words. I know you "get it" and can relate. Keep the prayers coming folks. I'm at a loss, sucked dry, and tired....did I mention tired??????

An Honest Update.....

Phew, what a week it has been!!!! This girl is FIESTY, spirited, spoiled (oh I mean loved by her foster family), persistent, strong willed, and definately knows what she wants and how to get it!!! She can throw a tantrum with the best of them if she doesn't get her own way....complete with SCREAMS, tears, red face, and yes the all famous back arching. This very private and shy mamma has been embarrassed on more than one occasion when she's challenged by this little girl who throws her "fits" while others just stare. It has been hard, exhausting, emotional, and downright horrible at times. Hey, I said this was an honest update.......I'm at a loss as to how to approach the tantrums and worried its some sort of attachment thing, but my gut tells me its her and how she was sooooo doted on in Korea.....like her first ever tantrum came at the airport in Seoul when my dad handed me a bottle of coke and she wanted some to which I said no......can you say embarrassing as she's flaying about with all these Korean folks watching us? Apparently she's had coke while living with her foster family, along with alot of other stuff that's not flying here in America!!!! Making her very very unhappy with these "mean" new parents.

She still hasn't let Joe hold her or care for her in any way. So...I'm going on day 11 being the Only person caring for her in the DAY AND NIGHT....and here comes the honesty again....I'm just about emotionally and physically spent!!!! What I wouldn't give to be able to let Joe soothe her at 11,1,2,3,4am just so I could get alittle rest. But that's not the case. Its me me me 24/7 which in a way is healthy to build an attachment to one person first....but gosh is it hard!!!

This picture cracks me up....she and I were playing with a balloon and she was laughing hysterically when Joe came up behind her, smiled, and yelled take my picture. Honestly she had no idea he was even there or she would have FREAKED OUT.
Here she was getting her groove on. She's showing all positive signs of attachment with me....smiles, laughs, seeks me out for comfort, and is even calling me Mamma. Shes begun to use the sign for more and responds to How big's Yun-jeong? by putting her hands in the air smiling.
And this little man is where the honesty will come back into play......I am worried that he's having a hard time with this little being taking all of mommy's attention away. I can't even care for him without her SCREAMING and I know its really wearing on him and me. I've made a point after I lay down with her for nap and night and she's asleep I sneak out for alittle bit to put my boy to bed. He needs it and I need it!!!!!!
So honestly.....we're tired, worried, feeling a little sick as to whether we're doing what needs to be done. Again I ask for your prayers for a little girl and boy, to somehow find their way to love each other. And for this mommy and daddy to start to feel like their doing something right.

I told my friend the other day this feels sort of like a bad science experiment....like how far can ONE person be pushed before they crack? Gosh, I may just have that answer soon.

I know the honesty of this post may make some uncomfortable and I honestly have thought long and hard about whether or not to even share, but right now, today, this is our reality. And I think its important for others to see this side of things. The hard hard hard stuff is happening here as we speak. And I pray soon we'll be finding our way out...our way to the good stuff.