The worst week of our lives

This week has been horrible, horrible, horrible. The wait has been getting hard but I think I've been living in dreamland (what else is new) for awhile now and Joe has seen the writing on the wall more clearly for a few months. This week I have been knocked out of my dreamworld into reality and it doesn't look good.

It all began this weekend when I came up with the great idea...Why don't we get beads and put them in a jar to represent how many days untill we get our referral. We can take as many out each month as are referred and then it can feel like we are doing something. Eventually we would see progress. Well, Joe was trying to spare my feelings and initially said no (I think he knew what would happen and was trying to protect me). But, after much discussions we sat down and crunched numbers. This is what we came up with: we have about 17 months from what they're referring now till us 5/07 so that averages about 480 days to go. If they were to refer say 5 days at a time (which sometimes they don't) it would take 96 months or 8 more years to see a referral. WHAT!!!!! We did it plenty more ways and kept getting no less than 5 more years until a referral. So no, we don't want to put 480 beads in a jar and take out 3,4,5,6 beads each month for 3,4,5,6,7,8 more years. Dumb, dumb, dumb idea.

This dumb idea was the beginning of it all though. Joe, who thinks with his head, has been saying for a few weeks now that we can't sit around and do this with this uncertainty for xxx more years. Me, on the other hand, think with my heart and know that we can't walk away from this. Our daughter grows in our hearts and I have faith that someday we will be together. It's so hard to explain to those who aren't waiting. So, what do we do???