2 Weeks Home....

And man, its gotta get better soon right???? I don't know...I'm at a complete loss. Yes somethings are better....like the fact that she can tolerate the dog, Jae-min, and even Joe in small doses now. But.....things are still so so hard for me. She's still hesitant about Joe offering her any comfort or meeting any of her needs. we've begun to push the issue just alittle and making him do small things for her because really folks he's her dad and I'm at the point where she sort of has to get over it. I know that sounds harsh....but I'm tired....no, I'm exhausted that I've been doing all the caring for this little being since we met her in Korea. She was waking at around 3am and over the past few days has decided to wake at midnight and NEVER really go back to a deep sleep. And I'm the only one she'll respond to at night and nap. So you guessed it, I've been waking at midnight too and never really going back to sleep. So I'm spending HOURS AND HOURS with this little girl climbing on me, crying on me, and smooshing my face as I "sleep" next to her. And I need some space, some sleep, and a little sanity back!!!! I dread the night with all of my being and naps aren't much better. We need to cut a break, and we need it fast!!!!!!

Some things are getting slightly better. She will leave my side BRIEFLY in the house and play a little. She doesn't freak out EVERY time I tend to Jae-min. And when she tantrums and I just lay her down and stand near her, she gets the picture that the behavior doesn't work because the tantrums are getting less in duration. I know small steps need to be celebrated. But when its 2am and your looking at a little face that you've been looking at for weeks and weeks without one second of a break, its hard to remember!!!!

I know I sound like such a whiner and if you ask Joe he thinks things are going so much better. And yes, in many respects he's right. But.....in my relationship with her....things haven't changed. I'm the only one who can soothe her, the only one who can dress her, the only one who can give here a bottle, the only one who can wrestle the wild monkey when she's tantruming for the 100th time that day. And being the only one is tiring, stressful, and downright unfair.

I'm living minute to minute here...sometimes second to second. I know this is what she needs. I know that she just experienced a huge loss and I'm the one she feels safe and secure with. But I also know that its hard. I would give anything to have a little break, to breathe, to not have a pit in my stomache, and to honestly enjoy these first weeks with her.

I do want to thank all those that call or email me with encouraging words even though I don't have the time right now to respond. I listen to those messages and read the emails over and over just to know I'm not alone. And to all my adoptive moms who read this blog and who I consider friends even though we've never met....thank you for your encouraging words. I know you "get it" and can relate. Keep the prayers coming folks. I'm at a loss, sucked dry, and tired....did I mention tired??????

An Honest Update.....

Phew, what a week it has been!!!! This girl is FIESTY, spirited, spoiled (oh I mean loved by her foster family), persistent, strong willed, and definately knows what she wants and how to get it!!! She can throw a tantrum with the best of them if she doesn't get her own way....complete with SCREAMS, tears, red face, and yes the all famous back arching. This very private and shy mamma has been embarrassed on more than one occasion when she's challenged by this little girl who throws her "fits" while others just stare. It has been hard, exhausting, emotional, and downright horrible at times. Hey, I said this was an honest update.......I'm at a loss as to how to approach the tantrums and worried its some sort of attachment thing, but my gut tells me its her and how she was sooooo doted on in Korea.....like her first ever tantrum came at the airport in Seoul when my dad handed me a bottle of coke and she wanted some to which I said no......can you say embarrassing as she's flaying about with all these Korean folks watching us? Apparently she's had coke while living with her foster family, along with alot of other stuff that's not flying here in America!!!! Making her very very unhappy with these "mean" new parents.

She still hasn't let Joe hold her or care for her in any way. So...I'm going on day 11 being the Only person caring for her in the DAY AND NIGHT....and here comes the honesty again....I'm just about emotionally and physically spent!!!! What I wouldn't give to be able to let Joe soothe her at 11,1,2,3,4am just so I could get alittle rest. But that's not the case. Its me me me 24/7 which in a way is healthy to build an attachment to one person first....but gosh is it hard!!!

This picture cracks me up....she and I were playing with a balloon and she was laughing hysterically when Joe came up behind her, smiled, and yelled take my picture. Honestly she had no idea he was even there or she would have FREAKED OUT.
Here she was getting her groove on. She's showing all positive signs of attachment with me....smiles, laughs, seeks me out for comfort, and is even calling me Mamma. Shes begun to use the sign for more and responds to How big's Yun-jeong? by putting her hands in the air smiling.
And this little man is where the honesty will come back into play......I am worried that he's having a hard time with this little being taking all of mommy's attention away. I can't even care for him without her SCREAMING and I know its really wearing on him and me. I've made a point after I lay down with her for nap and night and she's asleep I sneak out for alittle bit to put my boy to bed. He needs it and I need it!!!!!!
So honestly.....we're tired, worried, feeling a little sick as to whether we're doing what needs to be done. Again I ask for your prayers for a little girl and boy, to somehow find their way to love each other. And for this mommy and daddy to start to feel like their doing something right.

I told my friend the other day this feels sort of like a bad science experiment....like how far can ONE person be pushed before they crack? Gosh, I may just have that answer soon.

I know the honesty of this post may make some uncomfortable and I honestly have thought long and hard about whether or not to even share, but right now, today, this is our reality. And I think its important for others to see this side of things. The hard hard hard stuff is happening here as we speak. And I pray soon we'll be finding our way out...our way to the good stuff.

Coming Up For Air

I feel like I've been in a tunnel that has sucked all of the air out of me for the past week. I'm trying to find the new balance, the new normal. I'm trying to give all of myself to two little beings who need me right now.....and its hard.

As you know our meeting and pick were EXTREMELY difficult, honestly we thought we had prepared but theres nothing in this world to prepare you for that!!!! And as I looked through the pictures to make this post all those emotions came flooding back....they are still so raw that I don't think I'm even ready now to talk about them. All I know is that my heart has been ripped from my chest witnessing what we witnessed and then hearing my son cry for his mommy because his sister needs me all the time. The guilt and insecurities of not being enough are there and as we find a new normal I struggle......to make a little girl comfortable and a little boy secure in my love.

We hung our family lock on Seoul tower....symbolizing our unending love for our two children.
This picture is where we began our bond....where she rested her little head on my shoulder and melted into my arms. Where I stroked her tear stained hair and cheeks and told her ooh gee mah (don't cry) to which she responded to immediately.
And here is my boy with DJ......he was the star of the show. We even had other foster moms comment on what an amazing kid he is and how great of parents we must be.....I think that may just have been the highest compliment yet.
Our girl continues to bond with me everyday....although an anxious bond right now she's working in a healthy direction. She looks for me for comfort, is easily consoled by me, and really prefers my company. She has yet to warm up to Joe.....which in all honesty is really really hard. Its exhausting for me to have to care for her 24/7 and sad for Joe that she's still afraid. We're working on it. She still has jet lag so has been waking at about 3am so yes my day starts then and goes full force till night fall.

We're working on building the relationship between the little ones also. She is more tolerant of me spending time with Jae-min which is making things a little easier. Yet my guilt is still there....I miss hanging out just me and my boy.

All in all it will take time and we know that. But when your exhausted, rejected, jet lagged yourself its hard. Really really hard. Continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We truly are so thankful and blessed beyond measure that we were chosen to be parents to these two amazing kids.

Last Day In Korea......THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello all its Joe again, we all are doing well here. Jae-min is still being a great big brother, even if Yun-jeong cries when he gets a little rough with her trying to help. She still has not warmed up to me yet, but i know that will come it time. Shannon can not leave her sight at all, so I get to put Jae-min in for his nap and bed. That makes Shannon sad and miss him. We will see you next at the Airport Sunday wish us Luck!!!!!!!!



Guys Day Out.
Here is Jae-min and Papa Eating at Dunkin Doughnuts!!!
Party on the bed after Nap!!!!!!!

On our way to the N.Seoul Tower!!!!

Dancing on Glass YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Day 5.....Thursday And She's All Ours!!!!

Sorry for the deley in updates. Things are going well. After a very rough hand off in the streets of Korea she is starting to warm up to us. Jae-min is being an awesome BIG BROTHER feeding and playing with Yun-jeong. Shannon pretty much has to be in sight at all times so I get to Blog for once. Thank you all for my Birthday Wishes. I couldn't ask for better gifts than my Two Beautiful Children and Awesome Wife. Sorry pictures are out of order, I am new at this. MORNING TIME

NAP TIME

This is the Doctor and Nurse who took care of Jae-min. They remembered him and thik hes doing GREAT.

BATH TIME AT THE ADRAGNA'S

Cab ride Jae-min stroking her hair

WARMING UP A LITTLE AFTER NAP.

THE HAND OFF

Day 4.....Wednesday And THIS IS IT!!!!!!!!!!

Its Thurday morning here in Seoul and in just 4 short hours we will meet and pick up our daughter!!!!! We can't believe this day is finally here!!!! We ended up going to breakfast this morning to celebrate Joe's birthday. Then we plan on hanging out till about 12:30 when we'll take a cab to Holt for this life changing experience. The gifts are packed, the donations ready to go, the flowers ordered and being delivered and the nerves and tears have begun to flow.
We ask that you pray......for Yun-jeongs little heart to heal quickly and for her to somehow feel peace that its all going to be ok. For Jae-min...that he feels loved and cherished through this huge change, and that our foundation of attachment that we've worked soooo hard to build is only slightly shaken and not destroyed. For me......that I have the strength to help both of my children through what is to come, the patience to handle it all, and the grace to do it beautifully. For Joe....that he has the strength to keep us all together, and at the same time feel what he needs to feel. And for Papa....that he can handle all the bags, work the video camera Haha, and soak in this awe inspiring experience. Its go time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We'll see you soon as a family of 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!On Wedesday we ended up going to Namedeum Market, saw the changing of the guards, and ate lunch at Bulgogi Bros. Jae-min loved the drums and watching the procession....and he finally got to see a king!!!!!!

Papa and Jae-min enjoyed haddeouk outside at the market....yummy!!!!

This nice guard made Jae-min feel so comfy standing next to him as he kept whispering little things to him.

Heres the market. We arrived shortly before it opened so it wasn't too crowded. It was fun to browse around and really experiene this part of Korea.

After lucnch we ended up napping and during nap looked what appeared....ah the reality has set in!!

After nap we went to dinner at chicken and beer. Jae-min was restless, whiney, and just not happy so I decided to take him to the park where we happened upon a concert. We were enjoying the music when all of a sudden things turned and I think we were in some sort of demonstration!!!! Um yeah awkward!!!!

The guys finally found us and were laughing that we'd probably get arrested hahahah

After we met up we went for a walk, then to bed.

One more sleep till we meet sweet Yun-jeong!!!!

Day Three....Tuesday

We had our scheduled tour through Holt so this morning we ventured downstairs and met a very nice young woman named Seojong. She is a college student in the US and is home on summer break. She took us to 2 palaces and then we hit up Insadong again for a short time to buy 3 sets of traditional wedding ducks (one for us, and one for each of the kids to give them on their wedding day). We also picked up some artwork to hand in Yun-jeong's room.
The palaces weren't very busy and it was fun to wander around and explore. Papa asked lots of questions and we got a good history of the palace and the meanings behind lots of things. Jae-mn kept pearing in doors looking for the king!!!!
This bowl is filled with water and it was believed to keep the monsters away........so we had Jae-min give a little look inside and tell those monsters...."away with you" We all went for a traditional Korean lunch of bee bim bop, bulgogi, and dumplings. It was yummy and fun to hear our guide order and talk with the staff. When the food was brought to the table Jae-min exclaimed "wheres the chicken nuggets?" Ah, I guess we've Americanized him.
Jae-min was alittle shy with Seojong at first but quickly warmed up and then they were great friends. He told her all about his sister and instructed her which way to go by sharing her map. Yup, one more Korean smitten with Jae-min.

We had tried to get into this palace first, its the biggest palace in Korea. But on Tues its closed. It was beautiful outside anyway.

After lunch we said goodbye to our sweet new friend, and headed for a nap. We woke and went out for Bulgogi pizza and then back to the hotel for a little swim. And yes that boy can rock a swim cap (required for the use of the pool). I will spare you the picture of poor Joe with his swim cap on.....he has asked me not to share Hahahaha......but it was sure good for a laugh!!!!

And for those worried about Papa, he's doing well. Soaking it all in, trying new foods, being the gracious world traveler. So no worries......we're taking good care of him!!!

Today is Wednesday morning, the last day Yun-jeong gets to spend with her Omma. My heart is heavy today, I hope she soaks up all their love....enough to last her a lifetime. As her Omma kisses her tonight and puts her to bed for the last time, I will kiss my sweet son for the final time as a mommy of one. I will snuggle him and tell him just how much I love him. And I know Yun-jeong's Omma will do the same.

Day Two....Monday

We awoke this morning a little later than yesterday but still waaaay to early Haha, and decided to go to the Holt reception center to play with the babies housed there. Jae-min decided to get his groove on in the subway station store while we bought some apple juice!!! The guys decided they needed coffee so I decided to walk down the street because it looked very familiar. And sure enough as I held Jae-min's hand we happened upon Holt. It was closed today due to a holiday but we looked in the windows and I began explaining to Jae-min what this building means. And then it happened.....right there on the streets of Seoul this crazy American mommy was overcome with emotion as she held the hand of her little Korean son.

You see this building is where we are matched with our children. Where every t is crossed and i dotted to bring them home, where we meet them for the first time, and then say goodbye to their omma. Where dreams and heartbreak are all rolled into one. I stood on that sidewalk and was transformed back 2 years, looking at the exact spot where Jae-min's omma stroked my face and he became ours forever!!!!!

The enormity of it all hit me on this sidewalk, standing in front of a closed building, watching the little boy who once was so frightened holding my hand. I couldn't stop the tears.

And to think that in a few short days we'll be heading there again to meet our daughter and have those same experiences was almost too much to handle. I'm so thankful to have the quiet time to just reflect on all that was and all thats to come.....this one little building holds so so much of our family in its tiny walls.

After standing on the sidewalk, we found the reception center and got to play with the babies. It was so much fun, two babies stole our hearts. A little girl melted me and I vowed in that moment to come back when the kids are older to do some EI work as a dev specialist to help these babies out.
Next we headed to a palace where we strolled the grounds and enjoyed the weather.

It was beautiful, then off to lunch.

We took a nice long nap then Jae-min hit the playground again, had some dinner, played in the room and off to bed.

The enormity of whats to come has hit me...seeing Holt and the babies puts it front and center. And the emotions have begun to surface!!!!!

Day One....

We decided to go to Insadong on our first day here. We started on our adventure and true to the kind Korean people, a man stopped to help us find the subway. Well......many blocks later in the wrong direction, and a language barrier that wasn't being conquered Pappa decided to take out his phrase book and find the word subway. Oh, we had just walked BLOCKS in the wrong direction but this kind man turned around and led us all the way back. I just love the people of Korea. We made it to Insadong with the help of another stranger too....but we made it. We bought some gifts for Yun-jeong and strolled the streets and enjoyed the atmosphere. These pictures are taken in the park near our hotel.

We bought Yun-jeong a traditional name chop and Jae-min charmed the lady at the store....who made one for him free. Again, love the people of Korea.

We ended up going back to the hotel for an afternoon snooze and then went to dinner around our hotel. There is a beautiful park across the street with walking trails, basketball, games, and even a playground. Jae-min had a blast and it was fun to watch him enjoying these activities in Korea.

The people are so kind here. They are so welcoming of Jae-min....some even rubbing his arm,

smiling, and speaking Korean to him which he's repeating making them giddy with joy!!!! He's a big hit.

As I watch Jae-min in his birthplace I can't help but stop to think how very different his life could have been. These are the sights he would have seen, these are the people he would have met, and this is the land he would have called home. It makes me teary and proud that we could bring him back to experience it with us. Because seeing Korea through Jae-min's eyes is amazing. And thinking back to the time when we were here before with him is surreal. From a scared baby to a happy toddler who's taking this country by storm. And it gives up hope that in the tough months ahead with Yun-jeong it will get better....next time we come back we'll have two hits on our hands!!!!!

Good Morning Beautiful Seoul!!!!!!

This morning as I woke up waaaayyyy to early (Jae-min and I are suffering from some serious jetlag) I looked outside and realized I was HERE.....in Korea with both of my children!!!!!
The flights went well....Jae-min was an absolute TROOPER. He was up for the first 6 hours then we put on his new digger movie and he fell asleep and slept for 4 hours. He would have kept sleeping if they hadn't turned on the lights for more food. For the next 4 hours he just hung out, snuggled, and then we were landing in Seoul. Whala just like that Haha. And I didn't even have to use my stash of new activities that I spent weeks finding....one for every hour of the plane wasn't even necessary!!!!

We're all doing well, just the jetlag is hitting us. Jae-min woke at 3:30 and I laid on his makeshift bed with him and he finally fell back to sleep till 5:30. Not too bad. We're heading out now to do some sightseeing.
I honestly can't believe we're here.....and meet Jaelah in a matter of days!!!! As Jae-min and I laid on his bed this morning he said "what do you think Yun-jeong's doing today?" I don't know buddy....but soon all those questions will be answered.
And as the bell man brought up our bags he asked Jae-min how old he was. He responded "three, did you know my little sister is coming soon?" I think he REALLY gets the meaning of this trip. To be back in Korea really feels like coming "home".

Ready To Go!!!!

Tonight Jae-min took the last loop off the paper chain we made to count down the days till Korea....he will bring the last loop with us to give to Yun-jeong on Family Day.As you can see he was doing the "party dance"....thats the dance he's been doing to hurry Jaelah home.
So the bags are packed, the nerves are fluttering, and the disbelief is here. We have soooo many bags, but what can you do when your going halfway around the world for 10 days with 2 toddlers?
Jae-min has had a hard day....I know he's feeling the nervous energy and needed lots of reassurance today. He had trouble sleeping at nap and now at night. Please keep him in your prayers, that his adjustment goes ok and we don't do too much damage to him!!!!

So this is it.....I really don't know what I'm feeling right now. Nervous, excited, anxious, happy, worried, ok like I'm going to throw up Haha I guess I'm really feeling disbelief that after all the waiting here we are!!!!! On our way to KOREA.

We'll see you on the other side.