Coming Up For Air

I feel like I've been in a tunnel that has sucked all of the air out of me for the past week. I'm trying to find the new balance, the new normal. I'm trying to give all of myself to two little beings who need me right now.....and its hard.

As you know our meeting and pick were EXTREMELY difficult, honestly we thought we had prepared but theres nothing in this world to prepare you for that!!!! And as I looked through the pictures to make this post all those emotions came flooding back....they are still so raw that I don't think I'm even ready now to talk about them. All I know is that my heart has been ripped from my chest witnessing what we witnessed and then hearing my son cry for his mommy because his sister needs me all the time. The guilt and insecurities of not being enough are there and as we find a new normal I struggle......to make a little girl comfortable and a little boy secure in my love.

We hung our family lock on Seoul tower....symbolizing our unending love for our two children.
This picture is where we began our bond....where she rested her little head on my shoulder and melted into my arms. Where I stroked her tear stained hair and cheeks and told her ooh gee mah (don't cry) to which she responded to immediately.
And here is my boy with DJ......he was the star of the show. We even had other foster moms comment on what an amazing kid he is and how great of parents we must be.....I think that may just have been the highest compliment yet.
Our girl continues to bond with me everyday....although an anxious bond right now she's working in a healthy direction. She looks for me for comfort, is easily consoled by me, and really prefers my company. She has yet to warm up to Joe.....which in all honesty is really really hard. Its exhausting for me to have to care for her 24/7 and sad for Joe that she's still afraid. We're working on it. She still has jet lag so has been waking at about 3am so yes my day starts then and goes full force till night fall.

We're working on building the relationship between the little ones also. She is more tolerant of me spending time with Jae-min which is making things a little easier. Yet my guilt is still there....I miss hanging out just me and my boy.

All in all it will take time and we know that. But when your exhausted, rejected, jet lagged yourself its hard. Really really hard. Continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We truly are so thankful and blessed beyond measure that we were chosen to be parents to these two amazing kids.